Agent Becks

I wrote this article somewhere last year (middle 2003) for an e-mag called Uberture, just after the English Premier League ended and the transfer window opened. Knock yourself out :)

Agent Becks
By Eddie G.


I’m a big fan of conspiracy theories. And this could perhaps be the granddaddy of them all. Usually such theories would revolve around political leaders or childhood heroes like Santa Claus or the Smurfs, but this one concerns English Premier League champions Manchester United and their former Mr. ABC. He can Assist, Bend and Curl. And to top it all up, he’s a sex symbol. No not Alex Ferguson! I’m talking about David Beckham.



David Beckham has been in Manchester United for a long time, and grew up with the other Man U stars like Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes, Nicky Butt and the Brothers Neville. Therefore, Beckham’s transfer came as a shock to many Manchester United fans and players alike. The question soon became “Why Beckham?” And these are the possible reasons that Fergie might give:

1) Because we already have Veron (Note the crossed fingers behind the back)
2) Because we already have Ronaldinho (Note the complacency in the tone of voice)
3) Because he’s a bloody delinquent and I want to give him the boot (in more ways than one).
4) Because he’s married to a Spice Girl and I am not.
5) Because I feel like it.

You’re probably thinking right now, “Okay Eddie, stop beating around the bush! What does this have to do with conspiracy theories?” Quite simply this: Beckham is a spy for Manchester United. Some of you must have fallen off your chairs by now. Well get back up and hear what I have to say.

Firstly, when the transfer window opened a few months ago, Manchester United clearly said that Beckham would stay in Old Trafford. That was a few months ago. Today, Becks is wearing a white no. 23 jersey with the word “Siemens” printed in front. Why did Manchester United change their minds?

Monetary issues? I think not. Even after buying David Bellion, Tim Howard and the Cameroonian Shamble-Shamble (Djemba-Djemba you say? Sorry. I’m poor with names), Man U could probably still afford to prop up the Rupiah. Okay, even if they did need money, can’t they at least sell away Diego Forlan – the Uruguayan striker who can dribble even without the ball?

Impossible you say? My friend, nothing is impossible. Only two weeks ago, I had thought that it was impossible for a guy who had BBB GP A1 for his GCE “A” Levels to NOT get into NUS Arts and Social Sciences. A pox on the ICA officials and their Mercedes Benzes.

Let’s not digress further. Where was I? Oh yes. And even if David Beckham were to be sold, why must it be to Real Madrid and not Arsenal or “Chelski”? I’ll tell you why. Because Real Madrid beat Manchester United only marginally at the recent UEFA Champions’ League quarter-finals. Let’s be frank. Fergie doesn’t care about the other teams in the Champions’ League. All he cares about is, “If I can beat Real Madrid, the Champions’ League trophy is mine!” (Hey, he calls it as it is, baby cakes).

And what better way to do it than to send David Beckham as an undercover agent? He even gets paid for it too.

As you know by now, secret agents always go in pairs. That’s what Fergie’s former No. 2 Carlos Queiroz is doing there too.

And why Beckham? Why not Giggs or Ruud Van Nistelrooy? Because Beckham is idolized all over the world. That’s why the movie industry made “Bend It Like Beckham” instead of “Score Like Scholes” or “Fake Injury Like Figo”.

In addition, Beck’s arrival at the Bernabeu stadium in Madrid has the potential of sowing discord amongst the Real Madrid players. Firstly, Becks plays on the right flank, so does Luis Figo. Becks is a free-kick specialist, so is Figo. Becks is good, so is Figo. Give them a few weeks together and they soon will be giving each other the this-club-ain’t-big-enough-for-the-two-of-us look. Before you know it, instead of working together, the both of them will end up trying to outdo each other, and might even start marking each other. And with Queiroz at a managerial position, things can only get better for Sir Alex.

Secondly, Beck’s arrival at Madrid will also cause a commercialized hoo-hah at his new club. Players would soon rather do commercials than play football. And while Real Madrid pose for Pepsi, Manchester United go shopping for a new cabinet to keep their future Champions’ League trophies with.

And of course, we cannot forget about Victoria Spice can we now? Just bring her down to the pitch and see if the Real Madrid players can still concentrate on their training. Get her to wear leather and see if they can still continue training altogether. Apparently this must have happened at Old Trafford too; and Fergie must be thinking “Why should I be the only one to ‘suffer?’” Manchester’s “loss” is Madrid’s “gain”.

The evidence is clear-cut. Manchester United will be Real Madrid’s downfall, and David Beckham has a major role to play. Wait and see, sports fans. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Manchester United win the Champions’ League, while Real Madrid desperately fight off relegation. And pretty soon, Hollywood would soon make the movie “Blame Agent Becks”.

Then what about Ronaldinho’s signing to Barcelona? Could that be a conspiracy theory too?

Nah! That would be too far-fetched.

-Rotters




(Ed's note: Now that the new season has come and gone, it's most interesting to know that this conspiracy theory does have some *shudder* prophetic accuracy. Well, even though Man U didn't do too well this time, Real Madrid has had a HOR-RI-BLE season, finishing 4th in the Prima Liga and ending their season without a single trophy. Quite unlike a team that has the talents of Ronaldo, Zidane, Figo, Carlos, Raul and Beckham. Carlos Queiroz has been identified as the 'culprit' for the club's incompetence and was fired not too long ago. Now interestingly enough, he has returned to Man U to resume his post as Fergie's number 2. Beckham has also been anonymous in Real Madrid this whole season, and later went on to make a name for himself in taking penalties - see also: rugby conversions - in the recent Euro 2004. At least Man U won the FA cup. Muahahahah!!!!)