Everything You Want

Everything You Want
By Eddie G.

When life throws lemons at you, don’t get sour. Make lemonade.

This happened about some time back, during the month of October 2004. Well, it actually began from the very first day I saw her, but it was only recently (ironically after her birthday) when I finally decided to put my foot down.

I, like every other person who yearns for that special someone, pined for her. She was everything I could possibly hope for. We shared the same interests, had the same outlook towards life, and shared the same values and beliefs. In class we would sit together and say stupid things (ok… maybe not “we” per se), make each other laugh and practically turned every boring lecture into two enjoyable hours of more than just warming our seats.

Naturally, we clicked so well that I wanted her for more than a friend. And who could blame me? But fate dealt a cruel hand, for she had other ideas, which mostly came in the form of other boys. And who could blame her?

A civil war erupted within the threshold of my mind, which was already accommodating the dread of having to do my assignments and hand them up at the quickest possible time (i.e. 2 weeks after the deadline). Should I hold on to her, and risk losing my joy, composure, and perhaps my sanity? Or should I let go, and move on.

October 17th 2004, 10:36pm, I made my decision. As Blur puts it, “It wasn’t easy, but nothing is (whoo hoo!)”. I picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hi. It’s me.”

“I know. I’ve got caller ID.”

“I uh… need to talk to you.”

And I told her that as much as I’d hate to, I’m letting go of her. From then on, we were going to be friends. Strictly friends.

“It was pretty brave of you to make that decision,” she said.

“What can I say? They don’t call it ‘Eddiegness’ for nothing,” I laughed mirthlessly, knowing that I wouldn’t be so brave in the hours to come.

I replaced the receiver and lay back on my bed. I didn’t feel like crying, but I wanted to. I even tried willing myself to do it, but ended up coughing instead. I dragged myself to my study table, and opened up my unit reader. I was more or less functioning on auto-pilot now, and “studying” seemed to be the best thing, if not the only thing, I could possibly do without thinking too much (as opposed to say, playing Warcraft III).

My hand reached blindly and fished out a CD. It was a compilation CD which I had burnt while in Singapore. Putting it in, my fingers unconsciously hit the ‘play’, and then the ‘shuffle’ button.

The introduction of my (or should I say the CD player’s) random choice started to play. The first verse followed.

“Somewhere there’s speaking,
It’s already coming in.
Oh, and it’s rising at the back of your mind.
You never did get it,
Unless you were fed it.
And now you’re here and you don’t know why.”

It seemed as if God was using Vertical Horizon to play a wicked joke on me. While a part of me wanted to change the song, another part was just too unmotivated to do anything. I could remember how long I remained in that dazed state of mind (though some may argue that I still am), but the next thing I knew, the song had reached its curtain call.

“I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you
And you don’t know why”

As the days went by, I tried not to think about it. To a certain extent, I succeeded. But that lingering yearning, like a curry stain on a white cotton shirt, refused to go away. I wore that stain proudly, feeling messianistic, as if I was bearing the weight of the World on my shoulders. And believe you me; the World is heavier than you think.

Looking back today, I found myself truly amazed that I was able to pull through, although I wouldn’t have succeeded without the continuous support and encouragement of all my friends. It was a painfully gradual lesson that taught me that when Life closes one door on you, another will open. When the full revelation hit me, I stopped trying to get in through the window.

Sometimes in Life, things will just refuse to go your way, just like a stubborn cow sitting in the middle of the highway. The more you try to move it, the more physically and emotionally drained you become. Instead, lift your head up, take the alternative route, and you might just get what you’ve been looking for.

I haven’t found what I have been looking for yet. But I know that since I have already tasted the bitterness of rejection’s gall, the sweetness of Love’s honey will taste a lot sweeter.

To her, I’d like to say “Oook!” (Thank you for everything, the bittersweet memories)

And to a couple of my friends who are now going through what I went through (you know who you are), keep your chin up. The darkest hour is just before dawn :)

And to everybody else, READ THE CHRONICLES OF TEFFARU!!! Haha.

Love,
Eddie G.