Ways to Get Your Girlfriend to Dump You

by Eddie G.

People always talk about how to get this girl or that girl to fall for you, and - in a nutshell - how you can wind your way into her pants. Well that's fine and dandy. Actually, it isn't. On the other side of the coin, there are many who wish to break up with their girlfriend, but don't really have the heart to break the news to their significant others (albeit not so signifcant anymore). Take heart, friend, for I have managed to compile a comprehensive list of things you can do to get your girlfriend to dump you.

Disclaimer: These are merely suggestions and, if truth be known, solely for the sake of humour. You are of course welcome to give them a try. I, however, will take no responsibility should anything unpleasant, particularly if you wind yourself in a nuthouse.

n.b. The same could be applied to girls wanting to get their boyfriends to dump them, but as far as I know, guys are more or less immune to stupidity, being carriers of this disease ourselves.

Without further ado:

1) Take your girlfriend out for an expensive steak dinner. When the bill arrives, hand her a pair of rubber gloves. When she enquires about them, tell her that it’s to protect her delicate hands while she washes the dishes. Publicly announce what a loving boyfriend you are.

2) When your girlfriend asks you “do you think I’m fat”, tell her you’ll be able to get a better view once this solar eclipse has elapsed.

3) Shave your head bald, insist that your girlfriend follow suit. If she does, constantly lament on how you miss running your fingers through her hair. Buy her a wig for her next birthday.

4) Whenever your girlfriend asks you to do something, call home and ask a member of your family to consult your Magic 8-ball for you. Relay the results of the 8-ball to your girlfriend. If she remarks on how silly you’re behaving, act affronted. Ask her to apologize to the 8-ball.

5) Fake an epileptic seizure. When the paramedics arrive, explain to them that you’re merely getting your girlfriend prepared “in case of an emergency”.

6) When she’s not looking, place a strand of your hair on her shoulder. After a while, direct her attention to the hair and start making a big fuss, heatedly challenging her fidelity. When you finally realize that the hair does in fact belong to you, begin to sob out of relief. Hold her close to you and tell her how much you love her.

7) Buy a pair of handcuffs. Insist that she uses the handcuffs as part of foreplay. When she’s firmly secured to the bedposts, leave the room and enjoy your football match in peace.

8) Auction your girlfriend on E-bay. If she protests, apologize to her profusely. Offer to give her 10% of the proceeds as a means of making amends for your actions.

9) On her birthday, offer to buy her an ice-cream cake, and then buy her a normal one. If she comments that it isn’t an ice-cream cake say, “Sure it is! I took one look at the price, and I screamed.”

10) Drink lots of soda, and then belch really loudly. When your girlfriend complains about you belching before her, assure her that she can have the first go the next time around.

11) Insist that your girlfriend drive at 60km/h and ONLY at 60km/h. Yell at her whenever she goes above 60km/h, even just by 1km/h. Keep complaining that you're going to be late.

12) Speak in Tongues.

13) Announce that on her next birthday, your girlfriend will get a chance to see the world, courtesy of you. Constantly excite her about that prospect. When her birthday finally arrives, buy her an atlas.

14) Offer to make your girlfriend dinner at her place. Thrash her entire kitchen and ruin the meal. Call for pizza. Remark on how this whole dinner idea has turned out to be a major success. Offer to do this three times a week.

15) Whenever your girlfriend puts on one of those green facial masks, splash a bucket of icy cold water on her while yelling expletives. Apologize to her, saying that you thought she was the Wicked Witch of the West.

16) While waiting for your girlfriend to get ready to go out, spray on some fake cobwebs and wear a long, white beard. Pretend to be going deaf in one ear.

17) Develop a sudden aversion towards garlic, religious items and sunlight. Make small nicks all over your chin and complain that you cut yourself while shaving. Stare at your girlfriend's neck for a long time.

18) Start speaking in archaic English and carry a skull wherever you go. Talk to the skull. Tell your girlfriend that the skull thinks she dresses funny. Keep this up for one week.

19) Announce that you're intend on writing a sonnet for your girlfriend. For the next 15 minutes, stare at a blank piece of paper rather frustratedly. Finally look up and ask, "how do you spell your name again?"

20) Call your girlfriend at 3 in the morning. If she picks up, tell her you're just checking to see if she's awake. Call again 15 minutes later.