giovedì, febbraio 24, 2005

Everything you need to know about Eddiegness

By Eddie G.

The word "Eddiegness" is usually said with the same tone of voice as one would say the word "Duuuuuude". In a nutshell, Eddiegness is high-profile lycanthropy. But what exactly is it and what spheres of mannerisms does it encompass? This post, which will touch on the 10 major "symptoms" (as well as the cure) of Eddiegness, will perhaps open your mortal eyes.

The 10 Major Symptoms of Eddiegness

1) Extreme talent

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if you find yourself capable of doing things others cannot and/or doing things better than what others normally can, why kid yourself by saying that you're normal? The hawk that chooses to fly with the sparrows will inevitably feel underachieved... not to mention hungry.

2) Unquestionable yet unconvincing intelligence

For many, it is easy to tell whether he/she has got the smarts or is a complete idiot. But for Eddie G., you can't always be 100% sure. More often than not, hE can be found doing and saying the dumbest of things at inappropriate times. The stark contrast is that just as you're about to pass it off as ordinary brainlessness, your 6th sense tells you that there seems to be a method in hiS madness, though hiS motives may remain unclear altogether.

3) Intolerance towards the incompetent

It's cold and lonely at the top, but that is something that Eddie G. cannot fathom. Imagine trying to explain that "one plus one equals two" to someone who just won't get it no matter how hard you try. That's what Eddiegness is about, only on an incomprehensibly larger scale. It can sometimes be extremely frustrating to see the ones you care about struggle with their problems while the solution is right in front of their noses making monkey-faces at them. Ironically, nobody - including Eddie G. himselF - is infallible, which probably explains why hE's so damn pissed with himselF most of the time.

4) Hatred for the self-righteous

Being self-righteous is believing that one does not need any damn help from anyone – a mentality which brings about needless condescension. The reason why this pisses The Eddie G. off so much because it goes against hiS belief that egoism, if legitimate, should be quiet but firm.

5) Constantly living in paradox

Take points 3) and 4) as perfect examples of being a living, breathing paradox. Striving to maintain a decent balance between the aforementioned points alone is already capable enough of causing a headache no amount of aspirin can possibly cure. While many believe that this sort of injury is self-inflicted, The Eddie G. can safely assure you that at hiS level, it is not.

6) Blatant disregard for authority

If you want to tell Eddie G. what or what not to do, you better be doing (or not doing) it as well. On top of that, you better do it well. If not, shut the fuck up and you might just realize that a self-governed Eddie G. might not be such a bad thing after all. In retrospect, hE only started using hiS middle finger after the teachers told hiM that hE wasn’t supposed to do so (they got the first one, of course). This principle does not apply to God because He is perfect in every way and also invented the cheeseburger. And since hiS parents took great pains to bring hiM, they too are excluded from everyone else. Within reason of course…

7) Singlehood

Quite self-explanatory; and ego-bruising. Moving right along…

8) Exclusive taste in music

If you think that by going up on stage in a group of five, sporting faggotish choreography and lip-synching to lyrics – that you neither wrote nor played – about your “white bourgeois lives” (as quoted by Weng my man) is music, you have no idea of the expletives the Eddie G. is waiting to hurl you with. In addition, some publicity stunts that artistes pull off (i.e. getting “two” nose jobs, bleaching your skin and sharing your bed with children) are relatively acceptable. Others (i.e. marrying some brainless turd for two days only to divorce him so that you can re-marry someone else) are inexplicably retarded. Eddie G. also listens to Chopin (pronounced “sho-pahn”). It’s well about time you bloody did so too.

9) Indifference to the opinion of others

What and how The World thinks about Eddie G. is totally impertinent. After all, the jealous and inferior you will always have with you. Hence, there really is no point in severing ties with every single dork who thinks you’re an ass because there won’t be anyone left to lick your boots when they finally come to terms with their pitiful ignorance.

10) Procrastination

Why put off something till tomorrow when it could be put off indefinitely? The only matters The Eddie G. will contemplate completing on time are the ones that are most profitable to hiM (i.e. total word count does not exceed that of 250). If truth be known, the piece of paper they call “The Degree” is more bought than earned in University. So since The Eddie G. has “paid” for it, why not sit back and enjoy the ride at the expense of your lecturers’ sanity?

The Cure for Eddiegness

Why would you want to find a cure for Eddiegness, you stupid wanker?

Ye who seek for audience, let ye speak now!

And so it came to past that at 26 febbraio, 2005 02:05, in the presence of The Eddie G., Blogger Fikri had spoken the following...

You forgot one thing: a tendency to procure short term cash injections :>

And so it came to past that at 26 febbraio, 2005 14:59, in the presence of The Eddie G., Blogger Eddie G. had spoken the following...

Yes yes Fikri. Your generosity, as with your snide sense of humour, is indeed flattering. ;)


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