sabato, luglio 21, 2007

Harry Potter and the Marshy Mallows

Today the world will learn the fate of Harry Potter. Now with Sirius Black and Albus Dumbledore presumeably dead, and Harry without a proper father-figure, the gloves are off... or perhaps they were never on to begin with.

Still, it would be interesting to see how the series would conclude. But before that, let's have some fun shall we?

How do you think Harry Potter will end? Imagine Rowling were to suddenly die (possibly because her own Avacado Kadabra curse backfired and killed her) today, and all the copies of Book Seven were to mysteriously vanish, the story must still end right?

So here is a possible ending:

Potter confronts Lord Mouldy-Wart in the Final Showdown. As he steps up to Mouldy-Wart's antechamber, he hears the voices of all those who sacrificed their bloody lives so that his could go on telling him, 'this better be worth it, asswipe!'

Hermione and Ron sneak along, just to see how it all turns out, and of course lend a hand should it be required. Harry made it clear that no one was to follow him, so the paradox of the whole damn thing is beginning to eat into his two best friends.

Voldermort of course is take by surprise, having just come out of the shower mumbling something indistinctive about the water heater. He sees Potter, who graciously gives him time to get dressed, and they duel.

The duel is long and boring. Imagine Ryu and Ken standing on both sides of the arena canceling each other's hadokens. That's how it's going to be like, only more boring. And of course, Harry will only use one spell - the expelliarmus - while Voldermort will try to kill Harry with the Avada Kedavra curse.

So it continues for three whole hours. Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione are getting really restless as they watch the duel from the parapet above. To make matters worse, Ron has to go to the little boys' room. Hermione hotly insists to just get the job done right there and then. Ron of course says that he can't do it, not in front of her. Hermione calls Ron a wuss, saying something along the lines of 'if you've seen one, then you've seen 'em all'.

So in the midst of the fervent battle, Voldermort gets distracted by a little trickle coming from above. He complains about how it's about bloody time he got the roof patched up. As he is distracted, Harry disarms his wand.

So Voldermort starts playing mind games. This of course is complete with all his 'go on! use the Avada Kedavra on me! You know you want too...' and Harry is about to do it when Ron leans too far out of the parapet, falls over and lands squarely on Harry. Voldermort, ever the opportunist, retrieves his stricken wand and casts the Avada Kedavra on Harry. Ron valiantly pushes Harry away and gets hit by it. Harry is distraught, saying 'Ron! You didn't have to get in my way!' and to which Ron's dying words were, 'I didn't mean to - I bloody tripped!'

So Ron dies and Hermione passes out from grief. When she awakes, she's back in Hogwarts and Professor McGonagal tells her that Harry and Voldermort continued their duel until Harry accidentally opens a time-space rift. Consequently, both were sucked into an alternate dimension where magic does not exist. Voldermort found a job working for the postal service. Harry however, because of his lack of qualifications decided to act in various plays nude for a bit of pocket money.

Hermione never saw Harry or Voldermort again. She later graduated from Hogwarts with an Honours Second Upper because she got the time for one of her exams mixed up. She still bitches about that incident to this very day.

Ye who seek for audience, let ye speak now!

And so it came to past that at 23 luglio, 2007 22:51, in the presence of The Eddie G., Anonymous Chang Hao had spoken the following...

An even better ending would be for the space-rift to somehow teleport The Great Spankmaster into the midst of the heated duel.

He would then proceed to spank everyone's candy @$$3$ all the way from Hogwarts to Middle-Earth.


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