What if Eddie G. were God

If Eddie G. were God
By Eddie G.

Disclaimer: The world is full of Fundies out there. If you're one of them, here's a little something for you to ensure that the post you're about to read does not bowl you off your chair. First and foremost, if you read the title carefully - an activity of which I'm sure isn't entirely below your intellectual capcity (though I shouldn't take these things for granted) - you'd naturally realize two things. One, I am NOT God; hence the words "what if". Second, God is not me, so His responses would probably be slightly different from mine. If this all still seems pretty offensive to you, I'd suggest you'd bugger off now and go do something more productive with your time (like say, developing an actual sense of humour for instance).

Still here? Wicked! I knew you would appreciate a good laugh. After all, God does have a sense of humour (look in the mirror if you don't believe me). Aaaaaanyway, I'm sure the title is pretty self-explanatory right? So without a care in the World, here I go!

Worshipper: Dear God, how do find true happiness?
Eddie G.: You might wanna start paying your bloody tithes to begin with!

Worshipper: Dear God, will I be rich and famous?
Eddie G.: Dude, what am I? A fucking Magic 8-Ball?

Worshipper: Dear God, why did you let Bush win the elections?
Eddie G.: To give the Devil some fucking hope.

Worshipper: Dear God, I don't agree with some of the things you've allowed on Earth.
Eddie G.: To whom it may concern, I'll have enough time to regret your creation after I'm done with Satan. Bugger off.

Worshipper: Dear God, why do you still let Satan live?
Eddie G.: Are you kidding, so long as he's not bugging Me he's been a great source of amusement.

Worshipper: Dear God, why did you write the Bible?
Eddie G.: Like every successful CEO, I could use a little side income.

Worshipper: Dear God, can you bring back the dodo? They're cute
Eddie G.: After what you humans do to turkeys when you're commemorating the birth of MY ONLY BEGOTTEN SON? Bite Me!

Worshipper: Dear God, I think singing hymns is a horrible chore!
Eddie G.: And I suppose you think listening to you sing them is a walk in the park, eh?

Worshipper: Dear God, what is the meaning of life?
Eddie G.: Oi! If I had a freaking dollar for every mofo who's asked Me that!

Worshipper: Dear God, what is the hardest decision you've ever made?
Eddie G.: Deciding on your species.

Worshipper: Dear God, did we really evolve from apes?
Eddie G.: Don't flatter yourself, please.

Worshipper: Dear God, you are truly great. A million years to you are like a mere second, and a million dollars a mere penny. Can I have one of your pennies by the way?
Eddie G.: Give Me a second.

Worshipper: Dear God, I come from Singapore. Please bless my country. Amen.
Eddie G.: To whom it may concern, you must understand where I am coming from here. Every other day I'm creating new galaxies, birthing new worlds and engineering new races. And you're expecting Me to find YOUR bloody country in this mess?

Worshipper: Dear God, what exactly did you do to the Sodomites?
Eddie G.: It can't possibly be worse than what they were doing to each other, believe Me.

Worshipper: Dear God, how do you plan to deal with atheists?
Eddie G.: I don't. They don't bother Me so I don't bother them.

Worshipper: Dear God, are your streets really lined with gold?
Eddie G.: If you were the Creator of the Universe, would you line your streets with Malaysian Ringgit?

Worshipper: Dear God, please forgive me for I have sinned.
Eddie G.: Tell that to the Priests, dammit! My M.D.s are responsible for dealing with employees who fuck up, not Me!

Worshipper: Dear God, why have you allowed so much suffering on Earth?
Eddie G.: Get real dude, you can't expect Me to please everybody, you know!

Worshipper: Dear God, why do nice guys finish last?
Eddie G.: Because good sports are seldom good at sports.