Diaries of the Sir Robert the Violent of Staffordshire: Vol. I

by Eddie G.


Disclaimer: The characters and events portrayed in the following are purely fictitious. Any resemblance to any event past or present, or person alive or dead is purely coincidental. In addition, the author deems it necessary to reiterate that he is not against feminism, nor is he against females. He does however occasionally take to wondering about the silly things they are capable of pulling off from time to time.

14 Mirtul 1832

Woke up this morning and went straight to the mirror to remind myself how incredibly handsome I am. My squire Mazzy Fentan should be back from the polishers' with my sparkling new helmet. As Uncle Oswald used to say, "protect thy assets, laddie, protect thy assets" - although he could have been referring to my jock strap, along with the fact that he cannot have children. Regardless, my face is my fortune, and I shall endeavour to do my utmost to keep it pure and dashing. My how the courtesans will swoon.


16 Mirtul 1832

Mazzy has not yet returned with my shiny new helmet. I swear! All those talks about equal gender rights must be getting to that prawn-sized head of hers. Speaking of heads, mine is still unprotected!!! The King has been questioning my lack of valour in the recent battles; but isn't discretion the better part of valour? Besides, I doubt I could bear to face anyone should my beautiful sculpted features get marred while fighting some ugly turd. It's simply not worth the hassle.


17 Mirtul 1832

Mazzy has finally returned with my helmet. She accredited her tardiness to 'that time of the month again'. As if! You've got to wonder what these scheming women are up to; always complaining about 'that time of the month' when nothing apparent seems to be happening. If you ask me, it's just another one of their feeble excuses to get off a decent day's work. Our King has recently commissioned me to slay the dragon that has been plaguing our lands. What does he take me for? As if it's my bloody job! If he'd wanted that damn thing killed, he might as well have hired some nasty brigands to do his menial work for him. I'm a knight for crying out loud; dragonslaying is NOT in my bloody department.


18 Mirtul 1832

Letting the King know how I felt was the smartest thing I've ever done. In fact, I'm still smarting. Now that I cannot evade this daunting task, I shall do what all knights brave and chivalrous do best, and have this task delegated to Mazzy first thing tomorrow morning.


19 Mirtul 1832

Mazzy has responded positively to my demands. I've never seen her so excited before. Because of my lack of education, I have some difficulties in fathoming what she had meant when she said, "up yours!". She was probably paying me a compliment for my noble actions. I must remember to use "up yours!" in tonight's Grand Gala Ball to show the dignitaries how learned and civilised a knight I am. Speaking of Balls, I've been to many Balls in my life, and I daresay the King's Balls are by far the biggest and best.


20 Mirtul 1832

The Ball was not as I had hoped it would turn out to be. The people there were most impolite towards me. It really doesn't pay to be courteous. I would like to go speak with our King and demand an explanation for their incomprehensible hostility; but I cannot, by token of the fact that I now languish in prison. Apparently the King doesn't like to be complimented either.


21 Mirtul 1832

Still in prison. Played cards with the rats today.


22 Mirtul 1832

Still in prison. Played cards with the rats today.


23 Mirtul 1832

Still in prison. Played cards with the rats today.


24 Mirtul 1832

Still in prison. Played cards with the rats today.


25 Mirtul 1832

Still in prison. Played cards with the rats today.


1 Atraie 1832

Still in prison. Played cards with the rats today.


2 Atraie 1832

I think the rats are cheating!