William's Wicked Weasels

Once upon a time, there was a man called William the Wicked. Now William was nothing short of a sniveling, conniving little bastard who'd love nothing more than to see the people of the World suffer. But of course, ever since the dawn of time, there have been people like that.

Unlike the norm, William the Wicked devised an almost foolproof plan to take over the World. Of course, that was what every mad scientist would claim - that they're plan was foolproof, and that no matter how much their doofus lackeys would witlessly screw up, the plan would inevitably succeed. Their misplaced confidence oft led to their own downfalls, with the works. Scrambler Beams would well, scramble everything up, inadvertently disemboweling the scientist; Death Rays would live up to their name, usually as far as their creators were concerned; Red Buttons would always fail to be pushed at the opportune moment, resulting in comical albeit messy aftermaths; oh, and of course there was the case of meddling superheroes who always always ALWAYS spoil the bloody show just as they're about to succeed.

However, William the Wicked really did invent something that would result in the destruction of the World. He called it "William's Wicked Weasels", or WWW for short.

"First, we shall release the Weasels into selected households," explained William the Wicked to Gucci-Goo, his teddy bear, who didn't really show much inclination to pay attention (for obvious reasons), "and then, people will start talking about how cute and useful the Weasels are. And then in a matter of years, everyone will want a Weasel too."

On cue, William the Wicked broke into a fit of maniacal laughter. It was hard to break away from genre.

"Soon, every household will have themselves a Weasel. And they will tell the Weasels everything, from their credit card number to how they like steak done. They will form an inseparable bond with the Weasels. They will live with them, sleep with them, talk about them, hold forums about them, debate about the ethics on keeping them. And before you know it, they will be totally dependent on them."

More maniacal laughter. He was really getting good at this.

"And finally, when they least expect it, the Weasels will latch on to them, sucking their blood dry. But they will be too attached for them to let go. I will know their deepest, darkest secrets, because the Weasels will tell me. And I will exploit them, and they will be powerless to respond in kind! Muahah- Gucci-Goo, are you listening to me?!?!"

That was a long time ago. Today, William the Wicked sits on his little throne, the metaphoric testicles of the World held snugly in his Right Hand, and Gucci-Goo in his left. Yes. After so, so long, William the Wicked succeeded in destroying the World. You don't believe me? Well the Weasels are all around us now. You can find them on Google at www...