Happy Hunting Grounds 101

Happy Hunting Grounds 101
A Lecture by Dr. Eddie G.

So, I was prowling around Erin's blog. I'm sorry I have to say this girl, but unless your attention span is more than 5 minutes long, chances are you probably wouldn't get to finish reading her posts. Her blog is just too darn nice for one to stay focused. Ah well. But today's posts isn't about her blog, but one of her posts. Now THAT is rare. Because like I say, she only blogs about three things. And because I want to live to a ripe old age, I shall refrain from mentioning them.

In a nutshell, this highschool kid tries to pick our dear friend up. He applies all the right tactics, but somehow leaves a gaping flaw in each and every one of them. Now observe, mortals, and watch how Dr. Eddie G. systematically tears his pitiful, albeit valient attempt apart.

*****

Case Study (adapted from Erin's blog; so "I" obviously refers to her):

I was out with [a friend] mostly to catch up and partially to celebrate my big day. We were just exiting Gelare when this high school dude came up to me.

Kid: "Hi, were you from Gelare?"

Immediately [I] wonder what I left behind.

Erin: "Uh, yes"

Kid: "What do you recommend?"

Erin: "Go with the Wild Strawberry."

Kid: "Oh, the chocolate cream one is good too"

Erin: "Oh... Okay"

And then comes the all famous line

Kid: "You look familiar. Have I seen you somewhere before? What school are you from?"

Erin: "I was from DJ"

Kid: "Ohh, maybe that's where. I'm from DU. What form are you in?"

WTF?? What form?!?!

Erin: "I'm in University." -_-

Kid: "Ohh, me too! What year are you?"

Erin: "1985"

Kid: "Me too! In fact I just came back from UK"

Erin: "Which part?"

Kid: "Bristol."

Fastforward a few minutes later...

Erin: "I'm sorry I don't give my number to strangers."

Kid: "Haaaarr? How about Frienster leh?"

Wtf? What uni student asks for Friendster emails.

Erin: "You know my name, where I study and how old I am. You go look for me."

*ding ding ding* KO!


*****

Ok class, now pay attention so that whatever happened to this poor sod here will NEVER happen to you. As I've said before, his tactics were sound. The only problem is, they weren't applied properly.


Tactic I: "What do you recommend?"

Tactic Analysis:

Full marks to our friend (who really isn't our friend; so from now on I shall refer to him as "our subject"). This line is actually quite good in starting conversations. In fact, "what do you recommend" is probably the most casual way to get a chick to at least say SOMETHING back to you. Unless she's some lancilanyong bitch. Before you even write off this maneuvre, do bear in mind that this opening line did get Erin to waste 5 minutes of her life talking to our subject.

Tactic Execution:

Our subject apparently did his theory homework, but his practical sorely let him down. Notice the way after Erin responds "Go with the Wild Strawberry", he immediately jumps in with "Oh, the chocolate cream one is good too". BAD MOVE! It shows that you never intended to ask her for her opinion anyway. i.e. If you already know what flavour is good, then why the heck bother to ask someone what they could recommend? Immediately after this statement, Erin shifts into defensive mode. Like every other chick in a similar situation, her sixth sense kicks into overdrive. Our subject is faced with an insurmountable problem now.

Appropriate Maneuvre:

If you wanna play the "what do you recommend" page, then stick to it no matter what. Show genuine interest in her recommendation; show that you take her words seriously; show that you're willing to humble yourself and take advice. That is one way to get her interested in you. And even if she never was really interested to begin with, at least you won't leave her with a bad aftertaste of your desperation.


Tactic II: "You look familiar. Have I seen you somewhere before?"

Tactic Analysis:

Again, a sound tactic to determine whether a girl is interested in you or not. Bonus points if you really have seen her somewhere before, be it in a pub; in secondary school; on the bus every morning; boning your best friend; or (to put it all together) on the bus boning your best friend from secondary school whom she met in a pub, you get the picture. Contrary to popular belief, there are three expected responses from this tactic, not two. a) "No", meaning that she doesn't know who you are, nor does she care. b) "Umm..." (hesitates for a bit) "I don't think so... but I think I may have seen you before", meaning that either she really did see you before while she was on the bus boning your best friend from secondary school whom she met in a pub, or she might be playing your game too, which means that she's interested in you. c) "YEA!! It's Eddie isn't it!! I remember you! I remember you! We went to the same secondary school together", meaning that she knows you already, so it's just about the right time to vacate the premises, especially if you come from an all-boys secondary school.

Tactic Execution:

Our subject unwittingly spoils his own chances when he says "What school are you from?" immediately after "You look familiar. Have I seen you somewhere before?". Again, it's a big mistake. By asking "What school are you from?", he causes Erin to start trying to remember him in the context of her secondary school life. When given such a specific memorial database to search from, it makes it much easier for her to rule out whether she did see his face from secondary school or not. The verdict is clear: File not found.

Appropriate Manuevre:

In truth, the "You look familiar. Have I seen you somewhere before?" tactic is merely something you should use to test the waters. The key to this tactic is to just say your piece, and then let her do the talking. Chances are, she probably knows what you're up to. But, if she is interested in you, she'd try to humour you. If not, take a hint and go pee at some other fire hydrant.


Tactic III: "I come from the UK"

Tactic Analysis:

Again, a tactic that is sound and effective. Studies have shown that many girls tend to go ga-ga with people from the UK. See also: Singapore Party Girls. A quick browse through in pubs all over the region will soon reveal that White guys, no matter how ugly and fashionably distasteful, always end up with a chick on their laps. Like quantum physics, the more you study this phenomenon, the more it frustrates you. Nonetheless, "I come from the UK" bit can prove effective.

Tactic Execution:

Notice how our subject doesn't have a damn clue how to go about executing this theory. If you analyse the case study carefully, you'll realize that there is no coherent link to his mention that he comes from the UK. For crying out loud, what does being born in the year of 1985 have anything to do with just coming back from the UK? In addition, our subject doesn't even execute this maneuvre properly. He instead says "I just came back from UK", leaving people to assume that he probably just went there for a holiday. And statements like "Haaaarr? How about Frienster leh?" only makes that assumption more legitimate.

Appropriate Maneuvre:

To be honest, the "I come from the UK" tactic only is effective if you... wait for it... really do come from the UK. And if you're Chinese, refrain from using this tactic, especially if you're prone to go "Haaaarr? How about Friendster leh?" in any point of your conversation. Also, most girls are not so easily charmed by the matsaleh factor now. But hey, if you're one of the UK blokes, for a free shag, anything's worth a try.


Conclusion:

And that ends today's lecture. Be sure to grab a copy of this week's lecture notes if you haven't already done so. Also, please be reminded that your 60% Major Essay is due three weeks from now. You know how I feel about *cough* late submissions, don't you. For those of you who haven't received the essay question, please copy it down now.

PART A (750 words) - 20%

With reference to one of the case studies covered, discuss whether the failure to pick up chicks lies in trying to hard or not trying at all.

PART B (1500 words) - 40%

Evaluate whether the Althusserian model of culture and communication can help explain the incompetence of the case study you have selected for Part A. Include relevant examples from Louis Althusser's personal love life (however non-existent) to substantiate your claim.