venerdì, aprile 07, 2006

Your Horoscope for Today

An astrological report analyzed and compiled by Eddie G.



Aquarius
Avoid going hunting today. That's about as big as a bloody tip-off from the Heavens can get. But the stars have also predicted that a good number of idiots will not pay heed to this warning and endanger the life of someone else. Big surprise.


Pisces
At this current point in your life, your name means a lot to you. In fact, your name is the very reflection of your self-image. If your name is Jason Abugegobaba, then it's about bloody time to change it. John Abugegobaba would be ideal. Do not hate your lover for breaking up with you. Love is relative, especially if you're from Alabama.


Aries
Dropping a two-tonne bowling ball on your toes will bring about immeasurable pain. Restraint is the best form of medical advice anyone could possibly give. However, if you are persistent about this course of action, you might consider the use of a local anesthetic beforehand. If in the event that they don't work, you should consider imported ones.


Taurus
The planet of Saturn is situated over your Constellation today. Translated, it literally means "The Cows Are Coming Home". Don't give me that look turd; if I knew what that meant I'd be a professional crossword solver or working for the CIA instead. For what it's worth, you might wanna clear out a closet or two.


Gemini
Do you believe in déjà vu?


Cancer
People wonder why you are always so bloody pessimistic. Unfortunately, it takes an astute mind to realize that to be born under the Constellation that shares its name with a chronic and potentially life-ending disease isn't exactly the most optimistic thing in the world. On the bright side, would you rather your sign be called "H5N1" or "Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy"?


Leo
Seeing as how Jupiter is sitting rather squarely and comfortably behind your Constellation this week, it means that you will be the scapegoat of many torrid accusations for next fortnight to come. As far as we are concerned, you didn't do it; as far as the police are concerned, you're RM50 waiting to happen.


Virgo
Your life is filled with clutter, and the best way to get rid of it, as always, is to give it to someone else. If this "clutter" we speak of refers to a literal, tangible mess in your room, it's seriously time to take out your garbage. As far as possible, refrain from dumping on government property (despite the distinct similarities they share, particularly where the sense of smell is concerned). Remember that littering is not a bad thing, getting caught is.


Libra
You cannot spell "librarian" without L-I-B-R-A. In case you didn't get the hint, return your goddamn books before they consider naming their new wing after you. The commanding presences that radiates from you is simply astounding. Nobody dares to push you around. Not without a forklift anyway.


Oiprocs
.ti ta er'uoy elihw yb-sressap morf gnitteg re'uoy seratskcoc eht etaicerppa ot elihw a ekat dna emoh klawnoom ruoy yojne ,emitnaem eht nI .yltrohs yrev enilno kcab uoy evah lliw eW .sehctilg lanoisacco sti evah seod xirtaM eht ;desirprus oot eb t'noD .kcul hguot tsuj s'tahT .yadot noitcerid gnorw eht gnicaf eb ot smees noitalletsnoC ruoY !deedni railucep tsoM


Gemini
Do you believe in déjà vu?


Sagittarius
You have been neglecting the people around you. Don't let that become a habit! Take some time to remember those who have contributed in one way or another to make your life the way it is now and tell them how you feel about it. In most cases, we're talking about your parents. And in most cases, a simple "sod off and stop bothering me" should suffice.


Capricorn
Your stars are hinting that you might be doing the Riverdance on the thin line that separates Sanity and ah... how shall we put this... Unadulterated Bliss. We're not going to tell you which side of the line you should be favouring. We're not going to tell you to stop. Hell! We're not even going to care. But what we are going to tell you is that the least you could bloody do is get your sodding footwork right!

Ye who seek for audience, let ye speak now!

And so it came to past that at 08 aprile, 2006 01:07, in the presence of The Eddie G., Blogger efferstine had spoken the following...

Oh, that was indeed enlightening.

You have just saved my life, Eddie G.

*rolls eyes and flops*

 
And so it came to past that at 10 aprile, 2006 19:45, in the presence of The Eddie G., Blogger leanne had spoken the following...

GMO ...gnol sa tsuj gnikat si siht dnA. ?ti daer ot em koot ti gnol woh esilaer uoy oD.

OMG seriously mate, of all the star signs it had to be SCORPIO huh. HAHAHAHAHAAHHA i want more astro reports!!

 
And so it came to past that at 13 aprile, 2006 15:44, in the presence of The Eddie G., Blogger Chang Hao had spoken the following...

Good stuff~

Hmmm, but I've no idea how to do the Riverdance in the first place!

 

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