venerdì, marzo 03, 2006

Thou Shalt Not Have Any Other Gods Before Me

So it says in the Bible. But imagine how queer life would be like if there were other gods; I'm not talking about Buddha or the Prophet (caricatures while you wait) or the deities of other major religions, but gods of everyday taken-for-granted activities or practices. Seeing as how God Himself has a sense of humour, here are some "gods" He might close one eye to.

Jeff, God of the Queue

Jeff, God of the Queue is an impatient and impetuous deity created by the awareness of irate shoppers and diabolical tollbooth operators. He sits broodingly on his Throne, ensuring that queues all over the world are going the way he wants them to. Loyal worshippers of Jeff are rewarded by somehow finding their queues shorten even before they realize it. On the other hand, those who incur his wrath find themselves waiting as long as eternity can stretch for that bloody old woman (who really shouldn't be in the Express Lane - 10 Items or Less Thank You Very Much - in the first place) to place two months worth of groceries painstakingly on the counter, fumble in her purse to find her son's credit card, hem and haw when she realizes she left it at home, place all her groceries back into the trolley and wheel them back. All this while the adjacent lane zips casually by.

The thing that gets under Jeff's skin the most is how mortals foolishly misinterpret his deified role. Nothing miffs the Queue God more than aspiring pool/snooker players beseeching Jeff to bless their game instruments. They of course are punished for their blatant ignorance, not while they are playing - that would be too lenient - but when they decide to pay a visit to the lavoratory.

Ravioli, the God of Pasta

Revered by chefs all over Italy, Ravioli's favour is hard-sought and even harder-earned. Many Italian chefs have wasted their youths just so that they could gain the patronage of the Pasta God and the inspired recipes that he bestows. Those who have found enlightenment, though, will readily tell you that it was truly worth the wait, for there is nothing more possibly gratifying than a nice hot plate of mushroom cabonara served with a side of garlic bread (Fuck, I just made myself hungry).

Ravioli sits on his Throne somewhere in the skies of Italy. While some believe it to be situated above Naples, there are those who argue that the Pasta God can reside nowhere else but above their beloved capital, Rome (much to the indignance of the non-conformists). While, until today, the whereabouts of Ravioli's Throne remain a great mystery, his prophets have assured us that he is NOT in Pisa. The answer is bloody obvious: staring at the Leaning Tower all day is more than enough to give him a splitting headache.

On the left of Ravioli's throne is a long table laid with all kinds and styles of pasta one can ever imagine (and much more). Those who are found worthy of entering this Pasta Heaven will realize that the bowls of mouth-watering pasta will never run out or be lacking. That however, is just Basic Membership. Worshippers who have made it to Gold Membership will find themselves not getting fat no matter how much they consume. And then there are those who are truly One with Ravioli; these privileged few will find that no matter how much they eat, they will never grow fat nor get full.

The space on the right of Ravioli's throne is dedicated to punish those who have maligned the beautiful name of Pasta (impossible as it may sound). Those who can be found here include chefs who use monosodium glutamate in their dishes. Their punishment is to be force-fed with their own MSG-laid pasta for all eternity, with no water source in sight. But a greater punishment awaits those who commit the Unpardonable Sin of commercializing pasta. If it's one thing that the God of Pasta cannot stand, it is the use of pasta to exploit the public. Offenders will have find themselves decapitated, have their heads stuck on a pike and forced to eat their own junk while watching eternal re-runs of their own tasteless television advertisments. Even as we speak, pikes are currently being reserved for the CEOs of MNCs who use pasta to rip off the public like Pizza Hut and, in the near future, MacDonalds.

Eleva, Goddess of the Stairs

When they were up they were up, and when they were down they were down, and when they were only half-way up, Eleva the Stair Goddess came around and shoved their indecisive asses over the railing. So the next time you plan on taking a flight of stairs for granted, remember all those unfortunate sods that she hurled headlong down while they cursed and grumbled on her turf.

As far as Eleva is concerned, it doesn't matter which God you serve, you still have to get through her heaven (or hell) to reach whatever heaven (or hell) you believe in. Furthermore, those who incur her wrath will soon find out that they'll probably reach there all the earlier. Countless fools have slipped on innocent looking banana peels (which for some strange reason happened to be at that exact spot at that exact time) and tumbled to their demise, sometimes in rather gruesome fashion. Unlike other deities, Eleva does not reward those who are faithful, for she feels that the privilege to walk up and down a flight of stairs safely and unhindered is already a reward in itself.

The Stair Goddess is easily pleased and equally easily angered. To please her, simply traverse her domain quickly, quietly and thankfully. Contrary to popular belief, those who go up one stair at a time saying "All praise to you great Eleva, without whom we are naught" will not earn extra points with her and are probably more liable to get the old "banana peel" routine. Other things that tick Eleva off are people who treat the stairs like Plan B. The one thing she hates the most is the way people always complain how the lifts have broken down and thus they are forced to used to stairs. Eleva's message to such fools is clearly stated in Book of II Ascension, Chapter 4 Verse 6 in the Stairway Bible.

"Foolishe Mortal! Quit thy grumbling, fore thou art not forced to use the stairs when the lifte faileth. Observe Spiderman and Batman, and learne ye well!"
- II Ascension 4:6

Another thing that Eleva frowns terribly upon is how people scale up and down her domain repeatedly for exercise. Her disdain is also recorded in the Stairway Bible.

"How dare ye! that you treat my Holy Domaine as if it were a bloody gymnasiume you fat tub of larde! Get thee hence before I decide to turn thee into a human pushballe!"
- Zepellin 19:8

Surprisingly, Eleva is very lenient to idiot skateboarders who enjoy nothing more than doing grinds down her stair rails. Although her motives are unclear, many of her prophets believe that she lets them off so that she can build up their pitiful egos, only to send them crashing down.

ALL the way down.

More to come in Part II...

Ye who seek for audience, let ye speak now!

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