The Chronicles of Teffaru: Episode 3
The Chronicles of Teffaru: Episode 3
By Eddie G.
Every epic story has a balance; a balance of good and evil, order and chaos, wisdom and stupidity. And the Chronicles of Teffaru are no different. Amidst the presence of winged demi-Mortals, lovelorn Princes, incompetent guards and man-eating squirrels, Balance desperately cried out for a villain, one whom other villains reading the Chronicles could relate to and perhaps draw similar parallels from. The Chronicler promptly responded by telling Balance to fuck off. But at least he did introduce a villain to make Balance feel better. The fact that Balance also funded his bank account had no influence on his decision whatsoever.
The shady character took slow deliberate steps across the darkened throne room, his nose high in the air. He was the only shady character in Teffaru, stupendous Teffaru, and that, he felt, gave him every right to walk with his nose in the air. Incidentally, the darkened throne room also happened to be the only darkened throne room in Teffaru, and it too felt led to display its authority by making the shady character trip over an object that greatly resembled a something.
“Pride does go before a fall,” chuckled a bodiless Voice from the middle of the throne room.
“Pah! I meant to do that!”
“Sure you did,” the Voice snorted, “but anyway. I’m sure you’re perfectly aware why I sent for you, are you not?”
“Uh… not exactly quote-unquote perfectly, per se.”
“Ah. I see. Well, no harm filling you in then… uh… how do I address you?”
“I am whom they call ‘Ar-Shikun’,” announced the shady figure.
“Very well, Ar-Shikun, I shall brief you-“
“My name’s Ted,” corrected the one whom they call ‘Ar-Shikun’
“Now wait just a minute… aren’t you-“
“Yes yes,” said Ted, who’d probably been asked this many times before. “Just because they call me ‘Ar-Shikun’ doesn’t mean it’s my name.”
The owner of the Voice was quite convinced that hE was dealing with someone very confused, and decided to come straight to the point.
“A new mortal was recently created,” the Voice said.
The one whom they call ‘Ar-Shikun’, or Ted, merely shrugged. “hE’s allowed to do that,” he ventured, “hE owns 51% of Teffaru’s market share.”
“I sent for an assassin, not an economist!” the Voice croaked, invisibly irritated. “But anyway, as for this new mortal…”
“Ah,” sniffed Ted, “I see where this is going. You want me to kill him.”
“Her…”
The assassin took a step back. The implications of another female in Teffaru clearly overwhelmed him.
“She must be destroyed,” he muttered, “immediately!”
“No!” the Voice instructed, “The Eddie G. has woven a cloak of invulnerability around her, and not until our good Prince casts his eyes on her will it be lifted.”
“Yes well, that’s pretty convenient on my part now, isn’t that?” snorted Ted, “to kill someone that I cannot kill.”
An invisible force gripped the assassin by the throat.
“Listen… to… me… FIRST!” the Voice hissed, obviously losing its patience.
“The Eddie G. knows that once the Prince finds love, the curse over Teffaru will be lifted. The new mortal is merely just the keyhole. The Prince is the key.” The Voice said, feeling proud of the subtle connotation implied. “So destroy the key, and the keyhole will be made redundant.”
“Yes. I quite get it now,” the assassin squeaked.
“Wasn’t too difficult was it now?” the Voice said, releasing its grip.
“One more question?” piped Ted, nursing his raw neck.
“What?”
“Do you think The Eddie G. will lead the Prince to demi-mortality?”
The Voice gave a cold, sinister laugh.
”After what happened to hiS last student, I really doubt so.”
Prince Kyovane had spent the entire afternoon on his swordsmanship (as instructed by The Eddie G.) while the winged demi-Mortal looked on.
“No! No! Not like that, you retard!” snapped The Eddie G., “your swing has no focus. You’re not one with your weapon!”
Many in Teffaru, sensational Teffaru, would willingly give anything to have a dedicated swordsmaster guide their progress.
Prince Kyovane was one of them.
“Look! You keeping out my flaws but make no effort to correct them,” he lamented.
The Eddie G. merely laughed.
”Shouldn’t the effort be coming from… uh… YOU?” hE asked?
“Yes! But you’re not teaching me anything!” the Prince protested.
“Hey numbnuts, did anyone ever teach you how to jack off?”
The Prince said nothing, and went back to his half-hearted swings.
“Oh come now, you damn poofter! You were so much more adept when I first fought you.”
“I was in the mood then,” the Prince argued.
The Eddie G. nodded, picked up a smooth pebble and hurled it full-force at the Prince’s forehead.
“Hope that helps,” hE muttered as hE flew up to perch on nearby branch.
Ignoring the Prince’s howling and indignant cursing, The Eddie G. leaned back against the trunk and let hiS mind wander back to the distant yet unforgettable past; a past where hE had been much happier.
A girl now stood in the clearing below hiM, performing a highly sophisticated sword dance, heR weapon floating in and out of heR current perimeters, promising mortal damage, if not a swift painless death, to anyone foolish enough to cross the silvery arcs it created.
The Eddie G. leapt off the branch, drew hiS weapon and engaged the girl in combat. Knowing the dance like the back of hiS hand, hE deftly produced a counter-move for each and every stroke the girl made at him. A feint here, a parry there, the two battled intensely, but without malice.
“You’re holding back,” The Eddie G. teased.
“Oh?” replied the girl in a sweet silvery voice, “we shall see about that!”
In a dazzling blur, shE released heR weapon in a downward slash, but The Eddie G. was too fast for heR. Instinctively, shE swivelled round and lashed out, catching hiS strike in another parry.
The Eddie G. was now on the attack, sending an unrelenting barrage of lightning-fast incapacitations at the girl. It didn’t take long before shE could hold out no longer, and eventually she faltered, exposing a bit too much of her sword hand to hiM, who promptly grabber heR by the wrist and pulled heR close.
“Your skills disappointment me, Eizenara my love,” hE said in mock disdain.
Eizenara capitalized on hiS sudden lapse of concentration and sent hiM sprawling with a well-timed sweep-kick.
“Complacent as ever, I see,” shE laughed before joing hiM on the cool autumn grass.
Dusk was beginning to descend upon the land, casting a light crimson glow across the evening sky. There on the grass the two lay, whispering sweet nothings to each other. For a while, Time seemed to stop as shE took hiS hand in heRs.
“How I wish this moment would last forever,” shE sighed.
“Time is doing His best,” assured The Eddie G. after some thought, “or perhaps I didn’t pay Him enough…”
“You know, I keep dreaming of the Shadow, my love,” she whispered, snuggling up to hiM, “I’m scared to think that misfortune should threaten to befall Teffaru.”
The sun began to scale downwards below the horizon, gradually exposing more and more of a clear, starry sky. hE squeezed heR hand reassuringly, not speaking. hE too had seen those dreams, and as much as hE wanted to, hE knew hE could not ignore them.
“Edwin?”
“Hmm?”
“What will happen to… us?” Eizenara chose heR words carefully.
The Eddie G. bit hiS lip. hE knew the Shadow that loomed ahead will separate them; hE had seen it.
“Nothing will happen, my love,” hE lied.
“That’s good then,” shE said, but sounded unassured.
Turning over to face heR, hE said, “If anything should happen, I’ll find you. I promise.”
ShE smiled at hiM, for the last time.
“I WILL find you!” hE cried softly.
“Find who?”
The Prince was looking up at The Eddie G. in avid curiosity.
“Who are you going to find?” the Prince asked again.
“Do you know why you’d make a good market analyst,” The Eddie G. asked, vaguely annoyed at him for interrupting hiS reverie.
“It is because of my keen sense of observation?” the Prince asked hopefully.
“No. It’s because you just won’t mind your own bloody business!”
The Prince woke up the next morning to find The Eddie G. sitting cross-legged under a tree in a trance-like state.
"What are you doing now?"
The Eddie G. slowly raised hiS left arm solemnly to roughly where the Prince's face was...
And gave him a tight slap.
"Mind your own business, mofo," hE intoned without opening hiS eyes.
Grumbling, the Prince turned around and decided to set off in search of breakfast.
"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..."
The Prince was clearly startled by the sudden outcry. Spinning around, he saw The Eddie G. launching into what seemed like a familiar sounding mantra.
"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... aw aw aw aw aw awwwwwwwwwwww... aw aw aw aw aw aw awrighty then..."
"For goodness sake, will you can it?" said a voice from above.
Looking up, the Prince saw the ethereal figure of a wizened old man with a long flowing beard hovering just above where The Eddie G. sat.
The Eddie G. smiled.
"If it isn't my old friend Kerongcong Nostradamus of the Silver Magi," hE said.
"The Silver Magi of the Blue Ivory Tower," reminded old Nostradamus.
"Yes, yes, yes," said The Eddie G. dismissively. "Anyway, I summoned you because the Silver Magi are reputed-"
"Of the Blue Ivory Tower."
"Argh! Alright! The Silver Magi of the Blue Ivory Tower are reputed to know everything." The Eddie G. continued.
"And you want us to find out where Eizenara is being held captive, don't you?" asked Nostradamus with a knowing smile.
"How the hell..."
"The Silver Magi of the Blue Ivory Tower know everything!" announced the old man proudly.
"I knew he was going to say that," muttered the Prince.
"Yes, but I'm afraid auditions are long over!" snapped The Eddie G. while gesturing that the next word Prince Kyovane spoke would come at the expense of his nose.
"I'll see what we can do," said Nostradamus, "We'll probabably take about three days to research for a proper answer."
"So long?" The Eddie G. lamented.
"I'm afraid so. Proper and accurate referencing is paramount. Wouldn't want to be caught plagiarising would we now?" responded Kerongcong Nostradamus.
"True enough. Three days it is, then."
"Oh, and one more thing before I go."
"What?"
"Do you remember, Edwin, about two thousand years ago, I resolutely told you that the Silver Magi would rather see the Blue Ivory Tower totally annihilated before even lifting a finger to help you?" hinted Nostradamus.
"Yes, I do," sighed The Eddie G., "and I can roughly see where this is going. Why the sudden change of heart then? Surely you must want something in return right?"
"Oh no, it's just that we now feel obliged to help you because the Blue Ivory Tower was totally annihilated last night," said Nostradamus grimly before fading off.
"Talk about good timing," grinned the Prince.
"Tell me about it," said The Eddie G. before stashing a Total Annihilation Spell Scroll within the folds of hiS tunic.
The Chronicler spent a fair bit admiring his work, before realizing that the huge (and he really does mean HUGE) Shadow of Jaganathan Marimuthu's examination loomed not far ahead. He therefore made a resolution to continue the rest of this Episode in a future post (to be entitled "The Chronicles of Teffaru: Episode 3 Part 2"), lest he be engulfed in that Shadow... all 42 pounds of it...
In the blink of an eye:
You have just felt the Eddiegness at 1:11 PM
1 "Not again, Eddie"(s)
