sabato, dicembre 31, 2005

The Pensieve

Remember that cool little gizmo in Harry Potter that Albus Dumbledore has? Yes. The Pensieve. For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, it looks just like a fishbowl for really rich goldfish. It is here that thoughts and memories are and dragged-and-dropped into for further reference. Kinda like your KIV folder for the mind.

As 2005 winds to a conclusion, here's what you'd probably find in my Pensieve; assuming that I owned one and, perhaps more importantly, assuming that I knew better and didn't use it to keep my goldfish in:

To love someone is to let her go?

Note the question mark here. On paper, the answer is as obvious as Robert De'Niro's mole on a 2000-inch TV. However, in reality, this is hardly the case. When you know someone (or at least when you think you know someone) up to a certain point, familiarity can certainly be a damper on any romantic aspirations that one may so harbour. On the flip-side of the coin, without familiarity, would there be room to get yourself involved in a relationship? People often tell you that balance is the key. They make it sound so easy, don't they? It's like having a piano virtuoso saying to a five-year-old kid, "Oh come on, it's only Chopin's Fantasie Impromptu, it's dead simple! I don't see why you can't get it."

The question now, as it always has been for the past twelve months, is: what should I do now? I give myself all sorts of answers. People give me all sorts of answers. They are good answers. They are decent answers. But I still ask myself the same question. Give it one more year? That's what I said last year. Let go? But what if I fall and can't get up? Don't give a rat's ass? I don't even have a rat's ass, what are you talking about? Stay friends? Is it humanly possible? Become a monk? You're not getting anywhere close to my mane!

Just a friend

Now this can get whiney, but if you choose to look into my Pensieve, you'll have to live with that. It's been frustrating to learn that everyone sees me as a friend. It stops there. I don't know about you, but I get the feeling that nobody has taken the extra trouble to look beyond that. Two reasons: (1) They don't bother, or more insidiously, (2) they don't see a need to. I once stumbled across this greeting card that goes like this "I have enough friends. Fuck off". To be honest, I have been tempted to adopt that kind of mindset. But would that betray my true identity? Do I really have a true identity? Is there such a thing as an "identity"? Fuck you, Sigmund Freud! Fuck you and all your gay partners which include, but are not limited to, Althusser and Foucault!

A friend indeed!

If you think my worries stop there, think again. Being everyone's "friend" ain't exactly a bed of roses either. On second thought, with all the thorns, it actually could be. Whatever. Someone once said that it's sometimes better to have enemies than friends because you don't have to work so bloody hard to keep them. Okay I'll stop being modest. It was ME who said that. Yes, I came up with that. Regardless, in retrospect, I find this really true. If you kept a log of all the telephone conversations that I receive, a good 80% of them start with "Hey, you know our assignment ah..." What sickens me the most is that everyone should know by now that I only start on my assignments one day after it's bloody deadline. It is also interesting to know that the same people who open with that aforementioned line tend to conveniently forget my entire existence when they're planning a night out. Ho-hum. If you're feeling queasy after reading up to here, then chances are I'm referring to you. Either that or it must have been the pepperoni pizza.

Do unto others

Still, I see no reason why I shouldn't lend a helping hand whenever I could. The reason: helping others is a reward unto itself. I kid you not. The idea of being walked on all over like a doormat is repulsive no doubt, but if that were to stop me from going the extra mile to help my friends (with our without the inverted commas), then my name isn't Eddie G.. Of course, the daily task of reminding myself of this is not easy by any means. Still, I find it a constant challenge to be able to help people unconditionally. A word of warning for those who intend to abuse this knowledge though, my middle finger has a mind of its own. If in the event that it should rear its ugly head, take a hint and get stuffed, for both our sakes.

Well that's about it for now I guess. Happy New Year, everyone, to you and yours. And remember: in the Bible, the number "7" represents perfection while the number "5" represents grace. Take it from me, it's not a coincidence that E and G are both the fifth and seventh letters of the alphabet respectively.