sabato, settembre 10, 2005

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Don't Worry, Be Happy (Extreme Cynic's Version)
Sung to the tune of "Don't Worry, Be Happy"

New lyrics by Eddie G.

Performance notes: Sung preferably with a Jamaican accent. Smoking up before singing is encouraged, but not entirely neccesary.

You got caught for speeding? No need to shout,
‘Cos fifty bucks is gonna bail you out
Don’t worry, be happy.

Cigarette prices going up again!
Don’t make a fuss, just take from you friend!
Don’t worry, be happy.

Don’t worry, be happy!

Lee Kuan Yew seems alive and well.
Enjoy it while you can, ‘cos you’re going to hell!
But don’t worry, be happy.

If you are worried you've got nothing to drink,
Just chill out, man; your Island’s gonna sink.
So don’t worry, be happy.

Don't worry, be happy!

The Israelis are out of Gaza now.
But it won't stop the fighting anyhow.
Don’t worry, be happy.

Wander in the desert for Forty years,
But don’t give that Burning Bush four more years
Don’t worry, be happy.

Don’t worry, be happy!

There have been tidal waves and earthquakes too.
So if you can’t swim, here’s what you can do.
Don’t worry, be happy.

An aeroplane just crashed in your tower,
Don’t sweat it dude, you’ll be dead in an hour!
Don’t worry, be happy.

Don’t worry, be happy!

If you are hiding things that go “boom”
Then the U.S.A. is gonna rape you soon
But don’t worry, be happy

If Saddam Hussein is hiding in your home
Then they’ll do to you what Nero did to Rome
But don’t worry, be happy

Don’t worry, be happy!

Don't worry, be happy!!!

venerdì, settembre 02, 2005

If Eddie G. went to South Park

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I can feel my IQ dropping already...

This website is wicked sick! Design your own South Park character here. Thanks, Leanne! Muackz!

giovedì, settembre 01, 2005


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By Eddie G.

So Malaysia celebrated it's 48th year of *cough!* Independence yesterday. Well "Woopidy-Doo!" I say. Still, I'm not entirely apathetic about this whole Merdeka schtick, simply because I am, on paper at least, a Malaysian. And that has always been something that both my Singaporean and Malaysian friends will never let me forget.

On 31st August, I treated myself to a sleep-in. Not that it made a bloody difference anyway. Upon waking I dragged my sleepy behind to the kitchen, had a little breakfast and moped around aimlessly until the resounding thud of the morning paper being tossed, with all the diplomatic defiance of one forced to work on a public holiday, onto my front porch gave me some thing useful to do.

So like a decadant businessman, minus the spiffy shirt and the shitloads of moolah in the bank, I sat at the dining table, browsing through the paper. As I flipped through the 48-page Merdeka Special sandwiched in between, each page progressively became more vomit-inducing. Its contents were sickly riddled with the Government's feeble attempts at propaganda.

"Malaysia is great because it's multi-cultural!" declared one.

No, Malaysia is great for you because you're just another one of them delusional Bumi-Puteras whose idea of a decent job is to leech off the hard work of others.

"Malaysia is great because we can chill out at mamak stalls until the wee hours of the morning!" boasted another.

And nobody bothered mentioning how they got their sad asses mugged while on their way there from the Automated Teller Machine.

So I've been cynical thus far. And while I do realize this post will certainly be trodding on the toes of many, allow me the privilege to remain there for a little while longer.

The thing I'm proud of most in Malaysia is how you maniacs drive.

I really mean it. Again, I'm being cynical, not sarcastic. There is a significant difference, believe me. It's amazing how some jokers on the road will just cut in, without signalling or such, as if they bloody owned it. What's even more amazing would entail how the same drivers actually manage to pull that stunt off with one hand on the wheel and the other propping their mobile phones against their ears.

Surprisingly, the Government seems to encourage such reckless behaviour. Many, if not all, drivers see RM50 as the perfect tradeoff for the thrill of violating the red light, U-turning when they're not supposed to, doing 80km/h in School Zones, doing 80km/h above the stated speed limit practically everywhere else and running over pesky kids in Shah Alam.

Furthermore, our Government, as always, gets its priorities right by spending a huge portion of their already strained budget on building the Sepang Circuit. Whether they realize it or not, they're indirectly telling our youngsters today, "Oh it's perfectly alright to treat (and drive) your car as if it were an aeroplane. In fact, we'll build you a nice little 'runway' to show our support!"

So the buggers at Petronas, who grow fat on our profits, choose to focus their resources on maintaining the Sepang Circuit rather than alleviating the woes of the public caused by ever-increasing petrol prices. But then again, an F1 Circuit does sound an awful lot more exciting than, oh say, petrol subsidies doesn't it?

And can someone also please tell me what a zebra-crossing is for again?

Of course, our famous driving abilities do come at a great expense. In Singapore, pedestrian crossings are painted with warning signs that say, "Many more Singaporeans die from smoking than from car accidents". It's especially funny when you look at it from a Malaysian perspective because I'm pretty damn convinced that many more Malaysians die from crashing into Tak Nak signs than from smoking.

So yes. This is what I'm most proud of being a Malaysian. There! I've said my piece and done my part for my Country. To conclude, I would like to use the lyrics from a famous REM song:

Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough

Happy Merdeka, by the way. I hope I haven't ruined it entirely for you. And to all Singaporeans, who had recently celebrated their National Day on August 9th, I'd just like to express my heartfelt condolences to you all when I say that Lee Hsien Loong is one big prick.

Oh no, I've said too much
I've said enough