lunedì, maggio 29, 2006

X-Commies: The Last Hotdog Stand

If you were to take a look at TMY's or Joanne's blog, you'd realize that, in celebration of the latest X-Men III movie, some of the Monash Commies have been made into heroes. Thanks to TMY's genius with Adobe Photoshop, and Joanne's shameless advertising, five unlikely heroes have arisen.

TMY did the characters. Now it's my turn to do the story.

X-Commies: The Last Hotdog Stand

In an age when mutants walk freely amongst the humans, prophecies of place called "1901" have arisen. Like all places of untold power, 1901 caught the attention of both good and evil alike. Now, evil seeks to harness the powers of 1901 for their own; an evil conglomerate has arisen and will not rest until they have made 1901 theirs. So begins the epic battle between good and evil, in a bid to capture the Last Hotdog Stand.


Callsign: Electric Boy
Real Name: Unknown
Place of Origin: Unknown

The self-proclaimed leader of the guerilla strike force known as X-Commies, the origins of Electric Boy (called "Sparky" by his peers) are yet unknown. Some believe that he was accidentally created from a short circuit in an Engineering project, which does to some extent explain his geeky looks and tendencies.

With the ability to manipulate electical charges at will, he uses his powers for the good of mankind. His favourite hobby is to purposely flatten his car battery so that he can get the thrill of jump-starting it with his tongue.


Callsign: The Terminatress
Real Name: Joanne Soo Liyeng
Place of Origin: Puchong

It looks could kill, then The Terminatress would be murder in the first degree. Joanne acquired her powers when she was attempting to put on her left contact lens while standing too close to the microwave. The resultant radiation not only infused the lens into her left eye, but also gave her the power to fire fierce microwaves just by looking at something.

Everybody agrees that The Terminatress is the best looking amongst the X-Commies. Because those who did not are now nothing more than a bubbling puddle of chicken fat. The painful irony is that she cannot look herself in the mirror any longer, for her eye and her reflection would trigger off a massive chain-reaction that would knock her out senseless. And for someone as shamelessly narcissistic as she is, her powers are certainly more of a curse rather than a blessing.


Callsign: CanonWoman
Real Name: Temme Lee Wei Wei
Place of Origin: Penang

Temme Lee has always had a passion for cameras, with Canon being her favourite brand. However, she never did publicly admit to her fetish for shutter and lens. And as Sigmund Freud suggested, when something gets repressesed, it would only be a matter of time before it finally surfaces, consuming all. And surface it did. When the X-gene finally began to affect her body, Temme began to uncontrollably fire flaming cannonballs through her eyes.

When she joined the X-Commies, Electric Boy discovered that the only way to stem the flow of her terrifying powers is through the use of Canon lens' caps, and proceed to forge for her a pair of Canon goggles. There is one problem: the goggles are opaque, thus explaining CanonWoman's natural tendency to make friends with lamp-posts and trees. Despite this, she continues to wear them, insisting that they will protect others from unwanted fireball blasts. Many feel that it's nothing more than shameless product placement on her part, though.


Callsign: Nicotina
Real Name: Tan Shu Yi
Place of Origin: Subang


n.b. some Databases have reported Tan Shu Yi's callsign to be "Steamy Shu". This is incorrect. Only Electric Boy calls her that, for unknown reasons. To friend and foe alike, she is known as the feared Nicotina

Not too long ago, a girl called Tan Shu Yi was involved in the Black Lung Project, researching the effects of cigarette smoke on individuals. Though not a smoker herself, Shu aspired to use her research findings to encourage other smokers to quit. When the sponsors of the Black Lung Project found out about Shu's involvement, they locked her in a chamber full of cigarette smoke and left her there to die.

Miraculously, her X-gene not only saved her from an ignoble death, but it also imbued her with the power to exhale billows of noxious cigarette smoke at will. Nicotina powers make her a master of escape, and she is heavily relied upon whenever the X-Commies need to make a quick getaway (which happens rather often).


Callsign: The Blue Ape
Real Name: Eddie G.
Place of Origin: Singapore

No one really knows how and why Eddie G. became the Blue Ape. Some say he was born blue, while others theorize that it was excessive listening to Eiffel 65's Blue (da ba dee, da ba dai) that slowly altered his genetic structure to take on the colour in its entirety. As for the ape bit, well even evolution has its closely guarded secrets.

The Blue Ape's powers are also yet to be deciphered. There have been reports of him being able to turn invisible whenever he is close to a blue background. In addition, he is believed to be able to psychically track down anyone wearing blue. These reports have yet to be confirmed.

What we do know of the Blue Ape is that he is currently the official mascot for all things blue and beautiful. His amiable disposition and sense of humour have made him the spokesperson of the X-Commies. He loves all things blue, except for Chelsea Football Club because they're a shit team. Ironically, he supports Manchester United. "We all need a paradox in our lives," he would say with a grin, "this one is mine." -Rotters


Callsign: Ugly Lizard
Real Name: Wong Meng Hong
Place of Origin: Penang

The Ugly Lizard was once an X-Commie, but Electric Boy expelled him on the grounds of him being an Engineering student. He lounges around now, seeking revenge. Currently, he is attempting to rally together the Engineering mutants in a bid to destroy Electric Boy and the X-Commies once and for all. He seeks to make the power of 1901 his own, believing that it would result in the downfall of the X-Commies.

His powers include scaling walls effortlessly, rotating his eyeballs in any direction conceivable, doing that lizard-tongue-thinggy, eating flies and making those annoying clicking noises that lizards make. Like a true lizard, Meng Hong has the power of regeneration, making him exceedingly hard to defeat. And like true lizards, he loves to take a crap in people's kitchens.

lunedì, maggio 22, 2006

The Chromatic Scale

This piece was submitted for my second writing assignment, where readers are introduced to a character. It's only 600 words long, as per the word limit of the assignment, so it might seem somewhat truncated. Regardless, I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing. Cheers!

The Chromatic Scale
by Eddie G.

As the manicurist did his nails, Stephen Danforth narcissistically observed himself in the mirror, while an equally self-obsessed musical genius stared back at him with awe-struck admiration. As far as musicians went, there were mainly two kinds – those who specialized in a single instrument, but only up to a point where they would impress but not flabbergast. Stephen did not fall into either category, for he could play almost any musical instrument conceivable like a true virtuoso.

It was time. Stephen rose from his chair in deliberate fashion and sauntered towards the exit of his dressing room. An attractive young lady opened the door for him, her eagerness to please unashamedly blatant, and he made a mental note to “reward” her by inviting her over to his chateau after the performance had concluded. As he made his way along the corridor that lead to the stage, he was mobbed by a pack of journalists, like hungry wolves desperate for a few morsels of meat, and he responded by clinically withdrawing into his contemplative shell, eradicating them from his awareness like how a library would to unwanted babble.

They think my talents are a blessing, he mused, those poor fools! Has it never occurred to their pitiful minds that the curse of being able to play every musical instrument is that I have to play, well, every musical instrument? Ironically, this had to be forgiven. After all, the mind of a genius could hardly be fathomed; that was the very reason why they were called geniuses to begin with.

If only it were so simple, he lamented silently within, I hear imperfections in my playing that you do not; I detect the slightest of flaws that even the most acute of connoisseurs are blessed with the ability to overlook.

A voice had audaciously attempted to encroach on the periphery of Stephen’s awareness, but was nonetheless rewarded for its persistence.

“How do you feel going into tonight’s performance?” it had asked.

It had taken Stephen Danforth a considerable amount of effort to refrain from swearing aloud. Imbecile! You display the creative capabilities and the mental capacity of a squashed apricot! Must you fools always ask me the same old questions time after time after time? In a sudden movement, he swiveled round to confront his questioner, a scowl strewn across his angular, clean-shaven face. It was a scowl reserved for whenever he saw a cockroach or other creepy crawlies like moronic journalists.

“With my hands, just like everyone else,” he snarled, and allowed his mind to chuck the fool out of his awareness once more. However, in doing so, he allowed another voice to creep in. “I’m sure you have God to thank for your amazing talents,” this one had said. Stephen had chosen not to further encourage them by responding, but the comment had set his mind thinking regardless.

God? God? he thought, Oh yes, I have God to thank alright! I have Him to thank for all the misery I suffer every bloody day. After every performance, the standing ovations mean nothing to me! Because no matter how well I play, it will never be perfect! I always fuck up each and every performance; and tonight’s performance will be no different. He’s screwing me over on purpose, no doubt about it!

Stephen briefly looked up to give the Almighty an accusatory glare, fooling the journalists into waiting expectantly for his next quote, which was not forthcoming.

You think it’s funny, don’t you? the soundless tirade continued. Well now You damn well know why Lucifer rebelled, just as I am rebelling!

mercoledì, maggio 17, 2006


As a wise man once said, "it is good to laugh at others." I don't know who said that but there have been some noted flaws in this theory, especially if you've tried laughing at the Indians in Bangsar. Sure, you'll probably live to blog about the story, but you'll probably be doing that with only one good arm.

Nothing wrong with Indians, by the way. They're cool people; friendly and with a great sense of humour, so long as you keep the bottle away from them... or is that vice-versa.

But that's not the point of this post. In this post, we'll take a look at how we can be patriotic enough to include our Nationality/Ethnicity in our everyday speech.

Disclaimer: This post may contain content in which you deem as "racist" and "bigotist". And I frankly couldn't be shat over this... well actually I can, but that wouldn't be very nice, now would it? Seriously though, if you're the type that easily gets offended by such jokes (i.e. you have no sense of humour), then I'd suggest not reading on. You know what, actually you should. The look on your face would be priceless.

Disclaimer 2: This post is classified as VERY LAME (11 out of 10 on the Lame-O-Meter). This kind of lameness is potent enough to make Fikri throw down his kimchi (or is it "throw up"), get on bended knees and scream "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT!!!" Still, you get my point. If you're the kind that pukes when you see one too many lame jokes, you'd do well to have a plastic bag handy nearby.

Without further ado, let's get nationalistic

What's Scot into him?

You're making me really Hungary

Can I have a glass of freshly squeeze orange Jews?

Greece lightning, go Greece lightning!

What a con-man! I still can't believe Egypt me!

I'll be needing the package soon. Can you Korea it over?

That's how Madagascar can get if you floor it!

Alaskan you see the irony of it all?

I'll need a knot here. Can you Taiwan for me?

I think I'll try some of the coffee Hebrew

Inuit! I knew he was the murderer all along!

Ukraine your neck if you want to get a better view

Stop that! Jamaican me crazy!

I'm trying to read here. Kenya keep it down?

I American I don't like my name

We heard there was an emergency and so we decided to Russia

I tried so hard and got so far; Indian it doesn't even matter

Our cause needs New Zealand new vigour!

I know you like milk, but that doesn't mean you can steal Macau.

What the hell Turk you so long?

Grab on to a Poland hang on tight!

What a nice sweater! Dubai it for me, please.

Waiter, can we have separate Czechs please?

During the monsoon season, all we get is nothing Bahrain!