martedì, gennaio 30, 2007

Confessions of Frustrations

I confess that I was infatuated with you the very first moment I saw you.
I confess that I was still infatuated even when I found out you were attached.
I confess that I was still infatuated when you left, as abruptly as you came.
I confess that I was still infatuated as I continued my feeble attempts to ensure that you would not disappear from my life.
I confess that I was still infatuated when I heard you broke up.
I confess that I was still infatuated as a glimmer of hope arose from the abyss of my heart.
I confess that I was still infatuated when that glimmer was squelched after you found someone else.
I confess that I was still infatuated even as I reasoned that I should give up hope, since we were so far apart.
I confess that I was still infatuated when you broke up, found someone else, broke up, found someone else, broke up, found someone else, broke up.
I confess that I was still infatuated even as that glimmer of hope, like a cockroach, refused to die.
I confess that I was still infatuated when I nurtured that hope during the few precious days we spent together; after so, so long.
I confess that I was still infatuated when you left for the second time, taking with you a part of me that I can never regain.
I confess that I was still infatuated as I cursed myself for not having the courage to tell you how I felt when I had the chance.
I confess that I was still infatuated as I cursed the distance that separated us.
I confess that I was still infatuated as I cursed my inability to bridge that distance.
I confess that I was still infatuated even while you told me you found someone new. Big surprise.
I confess that today, I no longer bear an infatuation for you.
I confess that it has now become an obsession.

I confess that obsessive behaviour is detrimental to my sanity; but at least it gives me something to do in the meantime.

That is all.

martedì, gennaio 23, 2007

Diaries of the Sir Robert the Violent of Staffordshire: Vol. I

by Eddie G.

Disclaimer: The characters and events portrayed in the following are purely fictitious. Any resemblance to any event past or present, or person alive or dead is purely coincidental. In addition, the author deems it necessary to reiterate that he is not against feminism, nor is he against females. He does however occasionally take to wondering about the silly things they are capable of pulling off from time to time.

14 Mirtul 1832

Woke up this morning and went straight to the mirror to remind myself how incredibly handsome I am. My squire Mazzy Fentan should be back from the polishers' with my sparkling new helmet. As Uncle Oswald used to say, "protect thy assets, laddie, protect thy assets" - although he could have been referring to my jock strap, along with the fact that he cannot have children. Regardless, my face is my fortune, and I shall endeavour to do my utmost to keep it pure and dashing. My how the courtesans will swoon.

16 Mirtul 1832

Mazzy has not yet returned with my shiny new helmet. I swear! All those talks about equal gender rights must be getting to that prawn-sized head of hers. Speaking of heads, mine is still unprotected!!! The King has been questioning my lack of valour in the recent battles; but isn't discretion the better part of valour? Besides, I doubt I could bear to face anyone should my beautiful sculpted features get marred while fighting some ugly turd. It's simply not worth the hassle.

17 Mirtul 1832

Mazzy has finally returned with my helmet. She accredited her tardiness to 'that time of the month again'. As if! You've got to wonder what these scheming women are up to; always complaining about 'that time of the month' when nothing apparent seems to be happening. If you ask me, it's just another one of their feeble excuses to get off a decent day's work. Our King has recently commissioned me to slay the dragon that has been plaguing our lands. What does he take me for? As if it's my bloody job! If he'd wanted that damn thing killed, he might as well have hired some nasty brigands to do his menial work for him. I'm a knight for crying out loud; dragonslaying is NOT in my bloody department.

18 Mirtul 1832

Letting the King know how I felt was the smartest thing I've ever done. In fact, I'm still smarting. Now that I cannot evade this daunting task, I shall do what all knights brave and chivalrous do best, and have this task delegated to Mazzy first thing tomorrow morning.

19 Mirtul 1832

Mazzy has responded positively to my demands. I've never seen her so excited before. Because of my lack of education, I have some difficulties in fathoming what she had meant when she said, "up yours!". She was probably paying me a compliment for my noble actions. I must remember to use "up yours!" in tonight's Grand Gala Ball to show the dignitaries how learned and civilised a knight I am. Speaking of Balls, I've been to many Balls in my life, and I daresay the King's Balls are by far the biggest and best.

20 Mirtul 1832

The Ball was not as I had hoped it would turn out to be. The people there were most impolite towards me. It really doesn't pay to be courteous. I would like to go speak with our King and demand an explanation for their incomprehensible hostility; but I cannot, by token of the fact that I now languish in prison. Apparently the King doesn't like to be complimented either.

21 Mirtul 1832

Still in prison. Played cards with the rats today.

22 Mirtul 1832

Still in prison. Played cards with the rats today.

23 Mirtul 1832

Still in prison. Played cards with the rats today.

24 Mirtul 1832

Still in prison. Played cards with the rats today.

25 Mirtul 1832

Still in prison. Played cards with the rats today.

1 Atraie 1832

Still in prison. Played cards with the rats today.

2 Atraie 1832

I think the rats are cheating!

lunedì, gennaio 01, 2007

Boxing Day Debate

Boxing Day nearly took on a more literal meaning as I sat down with a friend for coffee in Orchard Road. It has always been customary that our debates normally end with us raising our voices to a point where people often mistake it for a husband-wife quarrel and give us plenty of room. It has also always been customary for us to willingly engage in such debates despite knowing the outcome almost 90% of time.

This time, the debate topic was on Good vs. Evil. For brevity, I shall refrain from naming who she is... for now. She doesn't read my blog anyway, but I'm not taking any chances >_<

Agitation Meter: 0%

She: I wonder how the World will be like if there was absolutely no evil.

Me: Very, very boring. I'll get senile from doing nothing but watering potted plants every day.

She: No, but think about it; a World where evil is non-existent, and good reigns unprecedented.

Me: If evil does not exist, then neither does good.

*fast-foward 5 minutes later*

Agitation Meter: 7%

She: I don't get what you mean, if evil doesn't exist, then the opposite should be true - good exists in superabundance

Me: Quite the contrary; if 'evil' doesn't exist, then the concept of 'good' doesn't exist either simply because there is no longer the benchmark of 'evil' whereby 'good' can be compared to. In other words, neither 'good' nor 'evil' has no intrinsic value (and all the Commies say 'Amen!').

She: What the hell are you talking about??? (Agititaion Meter +4%)

Me: Don't be so dense, woman. If there was no 'up', there will be no 'down' because the concept of 'down' can no longer be explained as 'the opposite of up'.

*fast-forward 5 minutes later*

Agitation Meter: 21%

Me: Do you get it now?

She: I'm beginning to see it from your perspective yes. But if this is true, then which concept came first? 'Up' or 'Down'?

Me: That's the thing, one cannot exist with the other, therefore it is impossible that the concept of 'Up' existed before the concept of 'Down'.

She: I find that concept even MORE impossible.

Me: And I find you the MOST impossible. (Agitation Meter +12%)

She: Don't patronize me, asswipe!

Me: Sorry. (Agitation Meter -3%)

*fast-forward 2 minutes later*

Agitation Meter: 38%

She: See what I mean? Someone has to come up with the concept of 'Up' before the concept of 'Down' can be conceived. It's common sense; which was never one of your departments.

Me: Okay then. Give me the definition of 'Down'.

She: Simple. 'Down' means... to descend.

Me: No. That's 'Down' used as a verb, which is irrelevant to the discussion. Give me the definition of 'Down' used as the preposition.

She: Oh that's easy. 'Down' means... um...

*fast-forward 7 minutes later*

The Agitation Meter hasn't moved, because nothing was being said.

She: Okay fine. I give up. What is the definition of 'Down'? As the preposition?

Me: Simple. 'Down' means 'not Up'.

She: WTF?!?! (Agitation Meter +17%) That makes no bloody sense at ALL!!

Me: That's what I've been trying to tell you!!! Without 'Up', 'Down' makes no sense at all. Without 'Evil', 'Good' is nothing more than a four-letter word.

She: I'm thinking of ANOTHER four-letter word that I'm rather tempted to use on to you right now.

Me: Sorry, you're not my type.

*one minute of silence has elasped*

Agitation Meter: 59%

She: Ok, you know what, let's start over again. Hear what I have to say, and only cut in AFTER I've finished, alright?

Me: Fair call. But before that, I must say something.

She: What?

Me: [shift into TMY mode] They say that when you meet the love of your life, time stops; and that's true.

She: [rolls eyes] Which moron did you hear that from?

*fast-forward 2 minutes later*

She: So my concept of 'evil' is 'the absence of good', just like how 'cold' is the absence of 'heat'.

Me: You're only reinforcing my point. If 'evil' -


Me: Sorry

She: Remember the e-mail I sent you? Even zero celsious is 'heat', but in low amounts. Only zero Kelvin is considered as 'no heat'. 'Cold' is merely a term to describe the lack of heat. Just like 'evil' is to 'good'. SO if 'evil' can be defined as 'the absence of good', then the absence of evil is the 'omnipresence of good'.

Me: You came to that conclusion because you're applying circular logic. Just because Evil = No Good, you're assuming that No Evil = Good. And only an economist will make a more retarded assumption than that. [pause for effect] Ceteris paribus.

She: FUCK YOU! (she's an economist)

Me: I didn't bring protection.

*another minute of awkward silence*

Agitation Meter: 67%

She: Actually it's pretty damn easy to understand. The same also applies to mathematics.

Me: The last time I did math was when I was 17.

She: That's because you suck. Now listen to me. In mathematics, 'zero' is not a number. It merely symbolizes that absence of a number. That's why anything divided by zero is impossible because zero isn't a number anyway.

Me: Yes. I understand that. Go on.

She: So that's it. There's only two ways to it: either it's a real number or it's zero. Plain and easy. So if you were to apply your theory that 'zero' has no intrinsic value-

Me: It's not my theory.

She: You're right. I give you too much credit sometimes. Whatever. So if you were to apply the theory that 'zero' has no intrinsic value, then the theory cannot stand because without zero, you can still have other numbers.

Me: Alright then. What comes after 9?

She: Ten

Me: Not if there is no 'zero'.

She: That's a weak argument!

Me: No, it isn't. Never mind then. Let me ask you: What is the lowest integer?

She: There is no lowest integer, it's negative infinity.

Me: That's right. What is the lowest positive integer?

She: One

Me: What separates negative integers from the positive ones?

She: Zero

Me: I rest my case. Zero is the pivot of the number-line. Without it, the other numbers become meaningless because every conceivable number is with respect to zero i.e. 5 is 'five more than zero'; -7 is 'seven less than zero'.

Agitation Meter: 74%

She: I don't get it.

Me: Geez! I bet that when God was giving out heads, you probably heard 'beds' and asked for a soft one.

Agitation Meter: 81%

She: What the HELL is wrong with you, Edwin Goh Seng Phoon. You keep putting my ideas down!

Agitation Meter: 86%

Me: That's because your ideas are shit, and your arguments are feeble and insipid!

*The rest of this debate has been censored because nothing of further insight could be gleaned from the remainder, and primarily because there might be kids reading this blog*

So that was my Boxing Day for you.

n.b. I hardly get into arguments with other people, simply because it's not worth my time and/or effort. This incident however, is an exception. We're still good friends despite everything. We'll probably argue again in the not too distant future, only to call up the next day to tell each other how much we enjoyed our little debates.

Yes, it's masochistic. But lesser beings will not understand.

Happy New Year peeps :)