Rock, Rock, Rock Your Boat

By Eddie G.

Let me tell you a story. A story about 3 dolts on a boat. A story about 3 dolts on a boat that was cast out to sea. A story about 3 dolts on a boat that was cast out to sea on dark stormy day. This is the story of Everybody, Somebody and Nobody. It's not anything important. Your existence probably wouldn't be affected if you didn't read this story, but chances are you'd probably spend the remainder of it wondering what the hell I could have written about, despite even knowing that it would probably waste 5 minutes of your life.

It's never easy when you're out at sea in a dinghy little boat with two other idiots who, for a lack of a metaphoric allusion, probably don't have both oars in the water. The last time I pictured a scene of similar nature, it was when I was five and was introduced to the nursery rhyme Rub-a-dub-dub, Three Men in a Tub. Surprising, really, that Society gets so surprised when these children grow up to be so fucked up after listening to little ditties like these. And don't get me started on Ding Dong Bell, Pussy In The Well. We all know it's bound to get wet at some stage, but shouldn't they at least give us a chance to go through puberty first?

But anyway, back to Everybody, Somebody and Nobody. The first thing that one should realize about being on a boat is that it is liable to capsize at any point. This of course is worrying for our three friends because experts have managed to prove that the probality of a boat capsizing is usually inversely proportionate to that of the intelligence of its occupants.

To make matters worse, Everybody had a sickening habit of splitting everything into three equal parts. And I mean everything, from food to lodging, to even a piece of mint-flavoured dental floss. This would of course explain why their drab little excuse of a boat hardly got anywhere seeing as to how it only had two oars. Nobody knew that it was going to be a bad idea, and Somebody was urged to voice his suspicions, but he couldn't be bothered to.

Now of course, what one would quickly begin to realize when on a boat (especially one that had both its oars divided into three equal parts) all alone out at sea, chances are the basest of human needs like food, drink and sanity run out much quicker than what one would normally hope for. In the first ever occurance of an event similar in nature gave birth to the term of "rationing", a term which was coined about 5 minutes before "international waters" and "laws of Ochenga-Wanga not applicable here, Paleface!" were.

So imagine the sheer delight on Everybody's face when Somebody found a can of beans stashed away in a god-forsaken corner of the boat. Nobody stopped to question why it always has to be a can of beans. Always. You never see disgruntled castaways trying to open oh say, a bucket of Original Recipe Kentucky Fried Chicken and a 1.5-litre bottle of Diet Coke. Noooo, it has to be a can of beans. Why? Because it's genre, and as we all learn in Authorship and Writing, Nobody fucks around with genre. Nobody.

After congratulating their good fortune for a good ten minutes, there was now the issue of actually opening the bloody can.

Everybody was aware of the laws of physics, so he said, "Why don't we bang the can on the side of our boat until it opens?"

So they tried, and gave up after ten minutes.

Somebody, who was a chemist, suggested, "Why don't we put salt water on the lid and let the sun corrode its molecular structure?"

So they tried, and gave up after five.

Nobody wanted to be an economist, so he announced, "Unlike you two, I have the solution to our problem."

"Let's hear it."

"Okay. Let us assume we have a can opener."

Nobody's dinner was rich in iron that night; and that wasn't a metaphor.

Happy Hunting Grounds 101

Happy Hunting Grounds 101
A Lecture by Dr. Eddie G.

So, I was prowling around Erin's blog. I'm sorry I have to say this girl, but unless your attention span is more than 5 minutes long, chances are you probably wouldn't get to finish reading her posts. Her blog is just too darn nice for one to stay focused. Ah well. But today's posts isn't about her blog, but one of her posts. Now THAT is rare. Because like I say, she only blogs about three things. And because I want to live to a ripe old age, I shall refrain from mentioning them.

In a nutshell, this highschool kid tries to pick our dear friend up. He applies all the right tactics, but somehow leaves a gaping flaw in each and every one of them. Now observe, mortals, and watch how Dr. Eddie G. systematically tears his pitiful, albeit valient attempt apart.

*****

Case Study (adapted from Erin's blog; so "I" obviously refers to her):

I was out with [a friend] mostly to catch up and partially to celebrate my big day. We were just exiting Gelare when this high school dude came up to me.

Kid: "Hi, were you from Gelare?"

Immediately [I] wonder what I left behind.

Erin: "Uh, yes"

Kid: "What do you recommend?"

Erin: "Go with the Wild Strawberry."

Kid: "Oh, the chocolate cream one is good too"

Erin: "Oh... Okay"

And then comes the all famous line

Kid: "You look familiar. Have I seen you somewhere before? What school are you from?"

Erin: "I was from DJ"

Kid: "Ohh, maybe that's where. I'm from DU. What form are you in?"

WTF?? What form?!?!

Erin: "I'm in University." -_-

Kid: "Ohh, me too! What year are you?"

Erin: "1985"

Kid: "Me too! In fact I just came back from UK"

Erin: "Which part?"

Kid: "Bristol."

Fastforward a few minutes later...

Erin: "I'm sorry I don't give my number to strangers."

Kid: "Haaaarr? How about Frienster leh?"

Wtf? What uni student asks for Friendster emails.

Erin: "You know my name, where I study and how old I am. You go look for me."

*ding ding ding* KO!


*****

Ok class, now pay attention so that whatever happened to this poor sod here will NEVER happen to you. As I've said before, his tactics were sound. The only problem is, they weren't applied properly.


Tactic I: "What do you recommend?"

Tactic Analysis:

Full marks to our friend (who really isn't our friend; so from now on I shall refer to him as "our subject"). This line is actually quite good in starting conversations. In fact, "what do you recommend" is probably the most casual way to get a chick to at least say SOMETHING back to you. Unless she's some lancilanyong bitch. Before you even write off this maneuvre, do bear in mind that this opening line did get Erin to waste 5 minutes of her life talking to our subject.

Tactic Execution:

Our subject apparently did his theory homework, but his practical sorely let him down. Notice the way after Erin responds "Go with the Wild Strawberry", he immediately jumps in with "Oh, the chocolate cream one is good too". BAD MOVE! It shows that you never intended to ask her for her opinion anyway. i.e. If you already know what flavour is good, then why the heck bother to ask someone what they could recommend? Immediately after this statement, Erin shifts into defensive mode. Like every other chick in a similar situation, her sixth sense kicks into overdrive. Our subject is faced with an insurmountable problem now.

Appropriate Maneuvre:

If you wanna play the "what do you recommend" page, then stick to it no matter what. Show genuine interest in her recommendation; show that you take her words seriously; show that you're willing to humble yourself and take advice. That is one way to get her interested in you. And even if she never was really interested to begin with, at least you won't leave her with a bad aftertaste of your desperation.


Tactic II: "You look familiar. Have I seen you somewhere before?"

Tactic Analysis:

Again, a sound tactic to determine whether a girl is interested in you or not. Bonus points if you really have seen her somewhere before, be it in a pub; in secondary school; on the bus every morning; boning your best friend; or (to put it all together) on the bus boning your best friend from secondary school whom she met in a pub, you get the picture. Contrary to popular belief, there are three expected responses from this tactic, not two. a) "No", meaning that she doesn't know who you are, nor does she care. b) "Umm..." (hesitates for a bit) "I don't think so... but I think I may have seen you before", meaning that either she really did see you before while she was on the bus boning your best friend from secondary school whom she met in a pub, or she might be playing your game too, which means that she's interested in you. c) "YEA!! It's Eddie isn't it!! I remember you! I remember you! We went to the same secondary school together", meaning that she knows you already, so it's just about the right time to vacate the premises, especially if you come from an all-boys secondary school.

Tactic Execution:

Our subject unwittingly spoils his own chances when he says "What school are you from?" immediately after "You look familiar. Have I seen you somewhere before?". Again, it's a big mistake. By asking "What school are you from?", he causes Erin to start trying to remember him in the context of her secondary school life. When given such a specific memorial database to search from, it makes it much easier for her to rule out whether she did see his face from secondary school or not. The verdict is clear: File not found.

Appropriate Manuevre:

In truth, the "You look familiar. Have I seen you somewhere before?" tactic is merely something you should use to test the waters. The key to this tactic is to just say your piece, and then let her do the talking. Chances are, she probably knows what you're up to. But, if she is interested in you, she'd try to humour you. If not, take a hint and go pee at some other fire hydrant.


Tactic III: "I come from the UK"

Tactic Analysis:

Again, a tactic that is sound and effective. Studies have shown that many girls tend to go ga-ga with people from the UK. See also: Singapore Party Girls. A quick browse through in pubs all over the region will soon reveal that White guys, no matter how ugly and fashionably distasteful, always end up with a chick on their laps. Like quantum physics, the more you study this phenomenon, the more it frustrates you. Nonetheless, "I come from the UK" bit can prove effective.

Tactic Execution:

Notice how our subject doesn't have a damn clue how to go about executing this theory. If you analyse the case study carefully, you'll realize that there is no coherent link to his mention that he comes from the UK. For crying out loud, what does being born in the year of 1985 have anything to do with just coming back from the UK? In addition, our subject doesn't even execute this maneuvre properly. He instead says "I just came back from UK", leaving people to assume that he probably just went there for a holiday. And statements like "Haaaarr? How about Frienster leh?" only makes that assumption more legitimate.

Appropriate Maneuvre:

To be honest, the "I come from the UK" tactic only is effective if you... wait for it... really do come from the UK. And if you're Chinese, refrain from using this tactic, especially if you're prone to go "Haaaarr? How about Friendster leh?" in any point of your conversation. Also, most girls are not so easily charmed by the matsaleh factor now. But hey, if you're one of the UK blokes, for a free shag, anything's worth a try.


Conclusion:

And that ends today's lecture. Be sure to grab a copy of this week's lecture notes if you haven't already done so. Also, please be reminded that your 60% Major Essay is due three weeks from now. You know how I feel about *cough* late submissions, don't you. For those of you who haven't received the essay question, please copy it down now.

PART A (750 words) - 20%

With reference to one of the case studies covered, discuss whether the failure to pick up chicks lies in trying to hard or not trying at all.

PART B (1500 words) - 40%

Evaluate whether the Althusserian model of culture and communication can help explain the incompetence of the case study you have selected for Part A. Include relevant examples from Louis Althusser's personal love life (however non-existent) to substantiate your claim.

The Eddie G. Semestral Commie Awards, July 2005

Ok, the reason why I'm doing this is because 1) I'm bored, 2) I'm supposed to study for NEC and 3) I'm supposed to be doing my wayyyyy overdue NEC assignment. But you know what they say: All work and no play makes Eddie G. a nerd. In true style of the Annual Emmy Awards, each award will have their nominee, followed by the winner. There are 7 imaginary judges in our panel today. You don't have to bother who they are, simply because THEY ARE IMAGINARY, YOU DUMB FUCK! And for added bonus, the winner's favourite quote or projected reception speech will be written. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: This post was put up solely for fun and bears no animosity towards any of my peers whatsoever. Honestly, the Monash Commies are a cool bunch of people and hence I know that I can safely take the piss out them without suffering from (too severe) repercussions. Should any of you take offense at your name being mentioned here, please let me know privately, that I may laugh in thy puritan face!

Biggest Slacker Award

The Nominees are:

Wilson Lee
Eddie G. (yes, I can win awards in my own Awards Ceremony. So sue me!)
Ting Jer Huan
Davin Chew
William Lo

And the Winner is:

Ting Jer Huan!

Decisional Majority:

Unanimous

Judges' Comments:

It was a close fight between Eddie G. and Ting Jer Huan. But when we found out that the latter didn't even show up for the exams, we knew for certain who our winner was. Sorry Eddie, but the fact that you own this blog wasn't enough to change the score in your favour.

Winner's Projected Speech:

Yea! I'm the man! Triple H beats Batista! It's time to play the game!


Shop-aholic Award

The Nominees are:

Goh Kel Li
Erin Tan
Lindy Goh
Koo Yi Shu
Yong Sze Mun

And the Winner is:

Erin Tan!

Decisional Majority:

5 out of 7

Judges' Comments:

Eddie once said that all she blogs about is shopping, rock-climbing and food. That's not true anymore. Now that she sprained her wrist, she blogs about food and shopping only. And shopping takes up like more than 75% of her posts. It was an easy pick for us. The reason why Yi Shu did not win is because she'll buy two pairs of funky Adidas shoes at the beginning of each month, and then not buy anything else on account that she'll be broke. The other two voted for Sze Mun only because she had personally threatened to kick the stuffing out of them if they didn't. It is indeed heartwarming to see that at the end of the day, democracy ultimately triumphs over treachery!

Winner's Projected Speech:

You like it? I bought it yesterday. Guess how much it costs? Go on, guess. Nope, lower. Umm... not that low lah (Music plays) wait, wait!!! They haven't guessed how much it costs yet! Wait! Hey, don't drag me off stage! I'm not done yet. C'mon guys guess! (as she is being carried off) Okay, you give up? (Now offstage, shouting) I BOUGHT IT FOR $19.90!!!


The Best Rubbish-Talker Award

The Nominees are:

Aaron Lee Jun Meng
Nikhail Singh
William Lo
Eddie G.
Tan Meng Yoe

And the Winner is:

Aaron Lee Jun Meng!

Decisional Majority:

3 out of 7

Judges' Comments:

Now this is one close fight! Technically Aaron would have not have won with such a low score, but the other four judges casted one vote for each of the other candidates, so he wins by virtue of that. Let us remind you that there is a really fine line between sounding overly intellectual and simply talking rubbish. The reason why Aaron won was because while the other nominees were more than capable of crossing the line as and when they pleased, Aaron took the extra trouble to erase it.

Winner's Projected Speech:

You know, this reminds me of the story when I was young. You see, I had this friend of mine whom I had a tiff with over some trivial matter, and after that he tried to reconcile with me, but (music plays) I didn't want to and soon after he died of cancer (music stops abruptly, everyone listens intently). He left a note saying that he was sorry for all the trouble he had caused (sniffing from the audience) and that no matter what, I'll always be his best friend. So yea, this award is dedicated to you, wherever you are in Heaven (crowd gives a standing ovation, tears in their eyes)


The Golden Jagung Award

The Nominee is:

Fikri Jermadi

And the Winner is:

Fikri Jermadi!

Decisional Majority:

Unanimous (obviously)

Judges' Comments:

What choice did we have? The moment Fikri was nominated, everybody else refused to challenge him for the award.

Winner's Projected Speech:

Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. What do you call a Swede who doesn't eat fish? "Ikano". HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH (Music plays) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH (he gets carried off stage) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH (his laughter trails off as he gets carried to the dressing room)


The Blur Sotong Award

The Nominees are:

Erin Tan
Joanna Lee
M. Yasir
Sophia Wong
Audrey Woon

And the Winner is:

Joanne Lee!

Decisional Majority:

6 out of 7

Judges' Comments:

What can we say? Some people have it all! Not only is she blur, she's blur AND lovable. That's a huge plus in our books. One judge did vote for Yasir, but that's only because he likes Maldivian boys with curly hair. How superficial!

Winner's Projected Speech:

Huh? What? Who? I'm hungry. I'm bored. I want ice lemon tea!


Most Hyper Award

The Nominees are:

Natalya
Melody Song
Linora Low
Yap Jin Yao
Trudy Au

And the Winner is:

Natalya!

Decisional Majority:

Unanimous

Judges' Comments:

Talks real fast; almost unpunctuated speech. Gets super excited when she sees you. Has a tendency to bounce rather than walk. Enjoys engaging in conversations, even without prior knowledge of the conversational subject at hand. She's just simply adorable, and you'll never be bored with her around.

Winner's Projected Speech:

Oh my God, I won? Like wow. I didn't expect to win. Yayyyyyyy! Hey am I on TV? I hope I am. Hi Melody! Look I'm on TV! Oh wait you're a nominee too? Sorry you didn't win, yea. Next time okayyyyyy? (music plays) Oh! I gotta go now! Byeeeeeeeeeee


The "Ladykiller" Award

The Nominees are:

Tan Meng Yoe
Lee Aaron (without the Jun Meng)
Zeck Pulle
Phoon Chi Ho
Fikri Jermadi

And the Winner is:

Zeck Pulle!

Decisional Majority:

4 out of 7

Judges' Comments:

One thing is for certain, he's half Dutch. And that kinda won the game for him. He has the looks, but more importantly he has the personality. Nice and easy-going fellow. Sure of himself. And to top it all off, HE'S BALD! But too bad, ladies, he's already taken. And you can forget about making a move on him when Yokie goes to Australia because he'll stay faithful. How do we know? Because 1) Eddie will kill him if he doesn't and 2) HE'S HENPECKED!!! Muahahaha! So I guess the chicks should sae sum and go for Meng Yoe instead. Incidentally, Meng Yoe's nominee has expressed his, I mean, his/her wish to remain anonymous. We however have a hunch who he, I mean, that person is.

Winner's Projected Speech:

Aww. I don't think I should have won lah. I think Lee Aaron should have won. I mean, c'mon, look at him. He's so good-looking, and he's nice. I dunno lah, really. But thanks anyway. (Modest as ever, I see)


The Most Condescending Award

The Nominees are:

Eddie G.
Aaron Lee Jun Meng
William Lo
Oh Sang Yun
Yong Sze Mun

And the Winner is:

William Lo!

Decisional Majority:

6 out of 7

Judges' Comments:

There was never any doubt who the winner is in this one. He knows how to make you feel inferior, and with style too. Feel his cold, cutting words and tremble with fear! And again, the only judge who didn't vote for William was reportedly bribed by Sze Mun. It seems apparent that she's desperately trying to win an award.

Winner's Projected Speech:

Aiyoh of course I win lah! Look at the rest of you. So stupid! You guys suck man! Hahaha!


The Narcissus Award

The Nominees are:

Fikri Jermadi
Tan Meng Yoe
Aaron Lee Jun Meng
Erin Tan
Yong Sze Mun

And the Winner is:

Tan Meng Yoe!

Decisional Majority:

4 out of 7

Judges' Comments:

Of course TMY was the obvious choice. His fiercest competitor was Fikri, but seeing that TMY talks about how he's the most handsome male in Monash University 24/7, in and out of context, online and offline, we felt that he was most deserving of this award. The other three judges who did not vote for TMY succumbed to Sze Mun's kesihan (pity) me pouty look. Looks like she really wants to win an award rather badly I must say.

Winner's Projected Speech:

Well! Obviously the answer is ME! I mean look at me! And they say that when you meet the love of your life (music plays, bouncers immediately rush in to drag TMY away from stage, kicking and screaming) *short pause* (offstage, yelling) TIMES STOPS, AND THAT'S TRUE!!!


The Ganas Award

The Nominees are:

Lindy Goh
Goh Kel Li
Yong Sze Mun
Trudy Au
Joanne Liyeng

And the Winner is:

Yong Sze Mun!

Decisional Majority:

Unanimous

Judges' Comments:

This time there was nothing we could do. We were all threatened at knifepoint. But that does go to show that she deserves at least this award

Winner's Projected Speech:

Huh! Finally hor! You all ah! Slaaaaaaaaap you then you know! Biatch!


The Sultry Voice Award

The Nominees are:

Sophia Wong
Kuan Sueet Ying
Kam Shi Ying
Wani
Dr. Andrew Ng Hock Soon

And the Winner is:

Dr. Andrew Ng Hock Soon!

Decisional Majority:

6 out of 7

Judges' Comments:

If you've attended his subjects this year (authorship and writing, contemporary fiction and screen theories), you'll soon realize that Dr. Andrew's voice is so smooth and sultry that it can provide a cure for all but the most persistent of insomnias. And you should hear the way he sings. Simply mindblowing!

Winner's Projected Speech:

(music plays) First I was afraid, I was petrified...


The Eddiegness Award

The Nominees are:

Eddie G.
Goh Seng Phoon
His Grace Lord Edwin Aegnor Goh I
The Edster
G-Man

And the Winner is:

ALL OF THE ABOVE!

Decisional Majority:

Unanimous

Judges' Comments:

Yes, the 5 nominees for the Eddiegness Award are all in fact one and the same person. There is a reason behind this. No one else comes close. Ever.

Winner's Projected Speech:

Thanks for each and every one of you out there who has made this semester a fun-filled yet enriching one. I'm glad that I was barred from entering NUS, because I wouldn't have met you crazy buggers if I wasn't. I wouldn't trade you guys for anything in the World (save for ultimate world sovereignty of course, but that's not the point). To all those who (music plays) SHUT UP! (music cuts) To all those who are leaving next year (either graduating or transfering), go with my blessing. I'll certainly miss you lots. As for those who are staying on, see you next sem, enjoy your holidays and look out for the Febrary 2006 Eddie G. Semestral Commie Awards! Good night! (Sir Edward Elgar's Pomp and Circumstance March No. 4 in G plays, the crowd rises to give Eddie G. a well-deserved standing ovation as he regally takes his leave. And rightfully so!)